


The Bitch Is Back

by kwrites2222



Series: Nora Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Not entirely canonical, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-12 12:07:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5665513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwrites2222/pseuds/kwrites2222
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another take on a more Renegade FemShep on the premise that she was with the Spectre Nihlus Kryik before the events of Mass Effect 1 and her evolution as a character throughout ME2 and ME3. LI Garrus because, really, is there anyone else? Much of this is told from his POV.</p><p>Some descriptive smut (descriptive to my prude mind) and slightly canon-divergent retelling of the story. Different character than the Kate Shepard series though obvious similarities. And loads and loads of foul language.<br/>First time at writing anything with any sort of sex/smut/etc. - constructive feedback welcome</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Archangel's Genesis

Omega. How the hell did someone like him, Garrus Vakarian, the man part of the team that took down Saren and Sovereign, wind up here? Here, sitting in this shithole of a club, drinking away all of the memories of the life that seemed like so long ago, especially now that Shepard had been dead for a few months. Only a few months, but it felt like years. 

"Who shall we toast to tonight, boys?"

At a large table behind him was a group of very young Alliance marines on leave. They'd been over-tipping the dancers all night, but it had been paying off - literally - as they usually had three or four dancers hovering around their table at any one time. They were loud and rowdy and obnoxious and it annoyed him slightly, but it also made him miss the Normandy and her crew.

"To the... to the Normandy and all of her crew! May she rest in pieces!" One marine shouted, his words slurring together. 

"Hey, not cool, man. Moreau's cousin served on that ship."

"Yeah, man. Jeff made it out okay, though. Commander Shepard saved his life. But Chase's sister died when the Normandy went down, man. Better watch what you say before he gets back."

"Sorry, Moreau. I'm glad that your cousin is alive, though."

"Owe your thanks to Shepard."

"Then let's toast to Commander Shepard!" 

Glasses and slurred hear hears! followed and Garrus felt himself began to tense up. He was about to snap at them to shut the fuck up when another marine joined them. 

"What are you guys toasting?"

"Uh... Commander Shepard and the Normandy, Chase."

There was a pause and then, "Well, I'll toast to that! Rest in peace, Addison," the marine said, grabbing a glass on the table and downing it. "Miss you, sis," he muttered afterwards. 

"And rest in peace Commander Shepard!"

More glasses clinking. 

"You know, Addison used to write home about the Commander while she was aboard the SR-1. She was so proud to be serving on Shepard's crew."

"Really? I heard that Shepard was brutal."

"Yeah man, I heard the same," one of the other marines said, "I mean, you know about what she did on Torfan right?" 

"Where she sacrificed her entire squad to wipe some batarians out? And that Major scrubbed out because he couldn't handle what had happened there... Kyle- was that his name?"

"So that's why they called her the 'Butcher of Torfan'?"

"Yeah, dude. Shepard had a personal vendetta against the batarians after what happened to her family on Mindoir. They say she only joined up so she could hunt down batarians and kill them all... at any cost."

Garrus was getting even more angry, and he gripped his glass tightly. These stupid little fucks had no idea who they were talking about. 

The marine called Chase took another swig and shook his head. "You guys have it all wrong. Shepard was willing to sacrifice herself for the Torfan mission and hold off the batarians on her own while the rest of the crew retreated. Most of the crew wouldn't leave her, but Kyle and a few others got the hell out and abandoned them -  probably why he had that breakdown… bastard couldn’t live with the guilt. Shepard was the only survivor and they say it took them almost an hour to pry her away from the bodies of her crew. The batarians killed all of 'em but her. I mean, going through what happened on Mindoir and then that... I'd want revenge, too. My sister adored the Commander - she said that she could be tough and her priority was always the mission, but that she was willing to put down her own life before anyone else in her crew's. And her crew would have done the same for her. It's how she died - saving Moreau's cousin - she wasn't going to let him go down with the ship."

Garrus relaxed slightly. At least one of those idiots had his head screwed on straight. That was a more accurate representation of the Shepard he knew. She had been ruthless, but she certainly hadn't been heartless. She'd even tried to save Dr. Saleon, that spineless fool. 

 _I don't think I've ever met anyone like you, Commander._  

"Damn. I didn't know," one marine said thoughtfully. The mood had darkened considerably from when the group had first started talking. 

"Addison did tell us about one juicy rumor that she heard about Commander Shepard, though."

"Man, who cares? There's always gossip on ships - you guys know that as well as I do. And most of it isn't even true."

"Shut up, Monroe. Come on, don't leave us hanging, Chase!"

"Yeah, man! Gossip can't hurt the Commander now that she's gone, right?"

Ah, great. They were back to being belligerent. 

"Well, rumor had it that Shepard and that turian Spectre... uh, what was his name?"

"Saren?"

"No, you fucking idiot, that other Spectre - the one who Saren killed on Eden Prime? Started with an N... Neil?"

"Nihlus? Nihlus Kryik."

"Yes! That was it. Of course  _you'd_  know that, Carter."

"What can I say? I'm a history buff."

Chase continued, "Anyways, rumor was that Shepard and Nihlus were involved."

Garrus' spine stiffened so quickly it threatened to shoot out the top of his head. He'd never heard  _that_  rumour. 

"What? You're shitting us, Chase. Naughty Nora Shepard and Nihlus, the turian Spectre, were fuck buddies?"

"Not just fuck buddies, apparently. They were  _together_  together. Ever wonder why she went so hard after Saren? He killed Nihlus on Eden Prime, and she wanted revenge for the death of her lover."

"That sounds made up. I mean, I'd always heard Shepard had a preference for the birds, but I still don't believe that she was with Nihlus."

If it was possible, Garrus' spine got even straighter. Since when was the rumor that Shepard had a preference for turians common knowledge?! Alliance marines were about as dumb as the krogan. 

"Whatever, man. Believe what you want, but apparently it wasn't just any coincidence that Nihlus put Shepard's name forward as a Spectre candidate. Or that he was 'evaluating' her on the Normandy when shit hit the fan over on EP. And she really did seem to have a serious vendetta against Saren... I mean, wouldn't you want to kill the asshat that killed the person you loved?"

Garrus had had enough. Regardless of the rumor about Shepard and Nihlus, she'd gone after Saren to save the entire fucking galaxy so  _these_  asshats could have moments like this: sitting around and discussing people that they knew absolutely nothing about. He was about to stand up and give the humans a piece of his mind when one marine said, "Didn't Shepard have a turian on her crew? That ex-cop from the Citadel... think they ever hooked up?"

Garrus froze. 

"Oh yeah, Carter, you're right! Addison mentioned they had a few aliens join their crew. Said Shepard spent a lot of time with them... maybe she spent a little more time with the turian than the rest of them? Being a bird-lover and all."

"Probably! Have you seen the size of those turians? Imagine that they're probably that big everywhere... hey, sweetheart," the marine cooed to the asari dancing on the table, "you ever been with a turian?"

The asari glared at him and kept dancing silently. 

"Monroe, I think you need to stop drinking if you're getting curious about turian anatomy. What was that guy's name, though? Heard he was a badass... he was with Shepard when she faced and killed Saren, too. Garrett? Grayson?"

Garrus slammed his empty glass down on the table and stood up. "It's... it was Garrus Vakarian," he said loudly, his voice taking on a seriously menacing tone.

The group of marines jumped and stared at him as he lumbered over towards their table. The asari stopped dancing and rushed away as Garrus drew nearer. 

"I'm sorry about your sister," he said to the one called Chase, "never really got to know her. And Jeff Moreau is the best damn pilot in the galaxy - glad to hear he's alive. And Commander Shepard," he choked on her name, "is the fucking hero of the Citadel and the reason that you boys are sitting here today. Let the ghosts rest."

The marines stared back at him until Chase hung his head and murmured, "Yes, sir."

Garrus nodded gruffly and turned on his heel, out of Afterlife. He heard the marines behind him:

"Shit. That was Garrus Vakarian."

"Do you think he heard us?"

"What the hell is he doing on Omega?"

"Think we made him mad?"

****

His mind was stewing as he walked through the street towards the dingy apartment he was renting. To hear marines -  _Alliance_  marines - speak about Shepard in such a way was so frustrating. But their words still rang loudly in his head: the supposed truth about Torfan (which he wholeheartedly believed) and the rumor about Shepard and Nihlus (which he didn’t… did he?) especially. 

He turned the corner, still buried in his thoughts, when he was jerked back to reality by a high-pitched scream. A human woman in front of him was being assaulted by two vorcha and a batarian, screaming at the top of her lungs. The three muggers were laughing loudly and shoving the woman hard between them, baring their sharp teeth at her and grabbing for the bag she held. The bag overturned and the woman's groceries spilled out all over the street. The vorcha rushed towards the food, and then the batarian pushed the woman to the ground and got on top of her, tearing at her clothes. 

Before he knew what he was doing, Garrus had drawn his sniper rifle from its usual holster and sent a bullet into the heads of the vorcha and the batarian. The woman screamed as the batarian's head exploded on top of her and she pushed the body off of her, clutching at her ripped shirt and crawling away from the dead criminals. 

Garrus emerged from cover and walked towards the woman slowly. "Miss? Are you okay?"

When she looked up at him with her wide, terrified green eyes he was instantly reminded of Shepard. The woman resembled Shepard so much at first glance that he took a step back. 

"N-Nora?" he breathed. 

"No... m-my name is N-Nef. You just... you just saved my life."

He nodded at her and extended a hand to help her up, shaking his head slightly. He must have been hallucinating; this woman looked nothing like Shepard.

"Nef. It's good to meet you. Do you need help getting home?"

"No, thank you," the young woman said as she picked up the scattered groceries that hadn’t been tainted with blood and placed them back in her bag, "you've done more than enough for me. That man was going to ra... he was going to rape me!"

Garrus looked down at the dead batarian and the two vorcha. Blood was pooling onto the street out of their head wounds and they stared up at him with blank, lifeless eyes. It felt... liberating. 

"Where did you even come from? You're... you're like an angel!"

"I heard you scream. And it's not very much like an angel to just shoot people though, is it? I'm not... uh, I'm not familiar with human mythology."

Nef just stared at him with wide eyes. There was a small spray of blood on her shirt. He wasn't sure if it was her's or the batarian's. "Not if they deserve it, sir. That's just three more scumbags you've wiped from the face of Omega.  _Thank you_. I can't... I can't ever repay you."

He watched her leave and turn the corner and then stared down at the three bodies at his feet again. The sight of the three criminals’ dead bodies sprawled in front of him with blood oozing from their head wounds should have repulsed him. Instead, it motivated and invigorated him; it was something he hadn't felt since he'd served with Shepard. 

Maybe Omega wasn't such a lost cause after all. 


	2. Sidonis

It may have been because there was nothing else to do on Omega, but Garrus found himself frequenting Afterlife. He wasn't interested in the dancers or the booze or the drunk women of every species consistently propositioning him, but he discovered that he actually enjoyed watching the drunken interactions. Humans seemed to become exceptionally bold when they drank, especially the males. They beat their chest like krogan and then ended up on the floor when they got too handsy with one of the dancers, and how they sulked when they were rejected! Oh, no species does sheepish as well as the humans. 

And no one chased as much as the turians. It almost made him ashamed to see his own kin running after the human and asari females especially, though turians chasing asari was nothing new… but turians chasing humans was. And the turian pick-up lines were almost comical. And then, of course, when they didn't work, the turians got physical and often quite violent. Rejecting a turian man - and a drunk turian man at that - was similar to poking a rabid nathak. Well, maybe not that intense... one human female had managed to hold out against a very determined turian for about five minutes until she seemed to just give in to the repeated advances and allowed the persistent man to buy her a drink and then she'd looked semi-interested when he'd pulled her onto the dance floor. They'd left together. 

Now, though, Garrus was watching as a red-headed human female finally approached a bare-faced turian with amber eyes that she'd been watching for about thirty minutes. 

"Excuse me," the woman said, trying her best to be sultry, "I'm lost. Would you help me find my way home?"

Ugh. That was one of the worst he'd heard. Were all human females so terrible at picking up men? It didn't matter the species - if a man fell for that then he didn't deserve to call himself a man. 

Garrus watched in disgust as the turian gave the woman a grin and quickly left with her. He couldn't take much more of this. Downing his drink, he pushed himself up out of his seat and decided he'd migrate down to the lower level of Afterlife. The dancers usually got just as drunk as the patrons and were prone to sucker punching anyone who got too handsy. It made the high price of the drinks worth it. 

He was just about to down the long set of stairs leading to the lower level when he heard the unmistakable voice of a krogan. "You mess with the bull, you get the horns, turian scum. Garm sent me to deliver you a message - you got the memo yet?"

Garrus silently walked down a few stairs until the scene unfolding below came into view: a large krogan was standing menacingly over a bloodied turian with bright purple markings and yellow eyes. The turian attempted to rise to his feet, but the krogan sent a kick to his face, and he collapsed to the ground again. 

"I can do this all day, Sidonis," the krogan growled.

"Fuck. You," Sidonis hissed at the krogan. "Pass the same message back to Garm and the rest of the fucking Blood Pack."

The krogan grabbed his weapon and pointed it at Sidonis. "I think I'd rather just see your head explode."

"You can try," Garrus said as he swung the side of his rifle hard into the side of the krogan's face. The krogan dropped with a cry and Garrus shot him clean between the eyes. "But you'll fail."

Sidonis let out a strangled laugh and Garrus walked over and offered him a hand. "Thanks. The bastard jumped me as I was leaving. Didn't even have time to pull my weapon."

"Don't mention it. You going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine. But, there'll be more where he came from."

"He was Blood Pack?"

Sidonis shook his head, "No. Likely a hired gun sent by Garm himself. Garm's stopped wasting his own men trying to intimidate me - had to outsource it this time I guess."

"Why is the Blood Pack after you?"

Sidonis gave him a wicked smile. "Because I haven't met one of them I haven't been able to kill... yet."

"Except this guy," Garrus said, kicking the dead krogan. 

"He's not  _actually_  Blood Pack, but he certainly had the jump on me. Lucky for me that you had the jump on him. Name's Sidonis by the way: Lantar Sidonis."

"Garrus Vakarian. Nice to meet you."

"I owe you my life, Garrus. Thank you."

"It was no problem, really." Garrus meant it - he was starting to enjoy shooting criminals. Something that woman Nef had said came back to him - something about wiping the scum from the streets of Omega. And then the elderly couple he’d saved from a vorcha a day or so after that… they’d called him a ‘real-life angel’. He was doing a bigger public service picking off criminals on Omega than he’d ever done with C-Sec.

"Wait a second... _you're_ Garrus Vakarian?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You fought in the Battle of the Citadel with Commander Shepard, right? You were part of the team that took that fucker Saren down?"

"And the ship he rode in on, Sovereign."

"Damn. Never thought that I'd be spared by the hero of the Citadel. I honestly can't thank you enough."

"Seriously, don't mention it. I don't mind taking scum like this bastard down," Garrus said, his mind flashing back to the sight of the would-be batarian rapist's blood and brain matter painting the pavement. He'd always wanted to learn how to paint... but this was better. 

"And Omega certainly has a lot of scum."

Garrus nodded. "You can say that again."

He helped Sidonis up the stairs, checking over his shoulder to see if anyone came to investigate the gunfire, but the blaring music of Afterlife had likely drowned it out. Though someone would likely find the dead krogan soon enough: krogan, living or dead, were hard to miss.

"So what brings the great Garrus Vakarian out to Omega anyway?"

"Got sick of the bureaucratic bullshit on the Citadel. Thought I could come out here and do some good."

"You're ex-C-Sec, right? You should look up Preitor Gavorn."

"Hah! He would do a better job of getting rid of the vorcha if he scattered rat poison everywhere."

Sidonis chuckled, "He is a lousy shot. Guess that's what frag grenades are for."

Garrus grunted. 

"Hey, were you close with Commander Shepard?" Sidonis asked. 

"Yeah. She was a good friend. Even better soldier," Garrus said, trying to hide the pain in his voice. 

"I've heard that. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to her."

"Thank you. She deserved better."

"You seem angry. That why you shot that merc?"

Garrus gave Sidonis a look. "He deserved it."

"I'm not saying he didn't and, hell, I'm thankful you did shoot the bastard. Just wondering if you're looking to make shooting mercs a habit."

They'd reached the doors to the upper level of Afterlife and Garrus wanted nothing more than to go back to his apartment and wash the stench of the club from his skin, but what Sidonis had just said caught his attention. 

"What are you asking?"

"Look, you're an ex-cop. I bet you set one foot onto Omega and could sense that the guy walking in front of you, beside you, AND behind you were criminals. All you gotta do is pull the trigger and bam! You've just prevented those three assholes from committing three more crimes. Omega's crime rate isn't even a statistic anymore - it's just a way of life around here. And I want to change that."

Garrus was impressed, and he realized that he was being recruited. "And how do you plan to do that?"

"With guns, likely," Sidonis said, smiling, "but I want to hit the gangs where it hurts them the most, and when they're at their wit's end and begging for mercy, we put them out of their misery with a clean shot right between the eyes. Not unlike what you did with our krogan friend back there."

Garrus was starting to like Sidonis more and more. "What's your motivation?"

"Blood Pack mercs killed my wife."

"I'm sorry."

Sidonis looked sad and lost... Garrus understood the feeling. "She was an incredible woman. She didn't deserve to go like that. And I'll avenge her if it kills me. Blood Pack, Blue Suns, Eclipse... they all pay with their lives."

"It almost did kill you. You can't just stir shit up and not expect retaliation. You're just one man." Shit, he sounded like Shepard. 

Sidonis gave him a searching look. "Yes, but I'm not alone. There are several others on this rock who want the same thing I do. And they're willing to join me. Are you?"

Garrus looked at the gun he still held in his hand. The image of the dead vorcha, batarians, and now the dead krogan stuck in his mind, and his mandibles flared in a dark smile. "Yeah. I'm in."


	3. Resurrection

This was where he was going to die. No question about it. He'd fight until he couldn't anymore and then he'd take his own life - he wasn't giving any merc the pleasure of putting a bullet in his head. 

 _How did you get here?_  he heard Shepard's voice in his head.  _How did you let this happen?_

The faces of his squad danced in his mind and then he saw that scumbag traitor Sidonis' face in place of each merc that came rushing over the bridge towards him. He was going to die here without ever being able to put a bullet between Sidonis' eyes... and that made him angry. It gave him more fuel and he began to rapid-fire his sniper rifle, barely even consulting his scope as he pulled the trigger. 

_Guess the little beasts had it coming, eh?_

Shepard's voice rang in his mind again. He'd see her soon, he thought, as he lowered his head and looked back through his scope at the next onslaught of mercs. 

And then he did something he thought he’d never do: he called his father.

_“Garrus?”_

“Hey, Dad. How’s it going?”

_“What’s that noise? Where are you? Are you all right?”_

“Just caught up in a little turf war with every merc gang on Omega. You know, the usual.”

 _“Omega? Garrus… what’s going on?_ ”

“I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of here alive, Dad. I wanted to call you and tell you that I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for arguing with you and ignoring you because you were right… sometimes the hardest thing is the right thing. I’m sorry for not realizing that until now.”

_“You can’t carry that around with you. It will weigh you down. You have to let it go. I love you, son. We can work it out when you come home. Finish up target practice and I’ll see you soon, okay?”_

Garrus laughed and looked through his scope at his ‘target practice’... hell of a place to keep his skills sharp, especially if he was going to die here.

The N7 insignia caught his eye before the bright green eyes did. He pulled back and blinked, and then looked through his scope again to verify. 

 _It can't be_. 

Gunfire rang out below him and he watched as the woman who was supposed to be dead shot the two mercs she'd been following in the back, while her two human companions sent the remaining mercs flying with biotic blasts. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Dad, I’ll talk to you soon. Looks like my odds just got a lot better.”

Garrus followed them with his gun until they'd disappeared from his sight line and into the building. He heard footsteps on the stairs behind him and then the unmistakably  _Shepard_  voice called out, "Archangel?" 

It was that odd moment where the line between familiarity and unknown were blurred: she'd recognize his armor and gun, and he recognized everything about her, other than the oddly glowing scar that carved a ragged path down her cheek, but she couldn't be certain it was actually  _him_  with the helmet covering his face, and he couldn't be certain it was actually  _her_  because... well, she'd  _died_. 

Or, maybe he was the one who was dead. Maybe this was just her ghost, coming to meet him. 

Either way, he had to answer. He put up a finger in a gesture he'd learned from her - give me one second! - and took down a merc. Then he turned and took off his helmet and came face-to-face with the not-so-recently deceased Nora Shepard. 

"Shepard. I thought you were dead."

****

If he'd have said that surviving the rocket to his face was the most shocking thing that had ever happened to him, then he'd have been lying. Waking up aboard the resurrected Normandy to Dr. Chakwas standing over him and telling him that the also-resurrected Commander Shepard would like to see him once he was up and able were the most shocking things he'd ever experienced. Or maybe witnessing Wrex vomit after a jaunt in the Mako with Shepard... that had also been pretty shocking. 

He'd ignored Chakwas' requests to stay in the medbay for a while longer and he'd made his way to the Briefing Room with a little help from an overly-friendly and annoyingly giggly woman who told him to call her Kelly. No one was wearing Alliance colours, and when he'd offhandedly mentioned it to Kelly as she escorted him to the comm room, she'd nonchalantly mentioned that he was aboard a Cerberus vessel.

 _Cerberus_? 

He heard the voice of the man Shepard had been with when she'd found him:  "... we were able to repair the wound with surgery and cybernetics, but..."

"Shepard," Garrus said as he entered the room. 

She looked up at him and gave him a broad smile. The other man - Jacob, he thought it was - looked at him in shock, "Tough son of a bitch. Didn't think he'd be up yet."

"How bad is it? Nobody would give me a mirror."

Shepard crossed her arms and her smile got even brighter. "It'll leave a mark. But it'll give you an excuse to tell one hell of a story."

"Hah. Oh, shit. Don't make me laugh - my face is barely holding together as it is."

"At least you're alive," she breathed.

"You know, Shepard, some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan."

She let out a laugh and he saw Jacob's mouth twitch into a smile. 

Garrus looked on as the man saluted the Commander and walked out of the room. As soon as the door shut behind him, Garrus turned to Shepard, "Frankly, I'm more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? You remember all those sick experiments they were doing?"

She sighed and he almost felt the need to pinch himself, but the pain in his face reminded him that he was very much awake and standing there, in front of his dearest, most recently un-deceased friend. He studied her carefully; she was the same Shepard, aside from the jagged, eerily glowing scars on her face -those were new. Her hair was down and it caressed her cheeks softly - a far cry from the tight bun she'd always worn before. 

"That's why I'm glad you're here, Garrus. If I'm walking into hell, I want someone I trust at my side."

"You realize that any plan you have would have me walking into hell with you, right? Hah - just like old times."

She gave him a smile. "That's the point. You're the only one I really trust to have my back out there."

"Jacob and the other woman you were with seemed more than capable."

Shepard stiffened. "They're good soldiers, but I still don't entirely trust them yet. But they're letting me take the reins and the woman - Miranda? - well, I owe her my life."

Garrus gave her a confused look. 

"You may have noticed the scars?" Shepard said, touching her cheek lightly, "You're not the only one that has cybernetics, you know."

"Chakwas was saying something about that. She said that they actually rebuilt you?"

"They resurrected me entirely, Garrus. I was just a shell of broken bones and dead brain cells and they brought me back. With a few... enhancements."

"The cybernetics?"

"And biotic implants." 

"But you're still _you_ , right?"

"I think so. I feel like me."

"You look like you."

She laughed, "Glad to hear it. The hair is a bit different, though."

He shrugged. "It suits you."

"I'm glad you're here," she said again, "this is going to be one hell of a fight."

"What are we up against?"

"The Collectors. They're hitting human colonies and wiping them out entirely - they're abducting everyone on site. We think that they're working with the Reapers."

"The Collectors? Those things actually exist?"

"I've seen them myself. Well, footage of them. Back on Freedom's Progress. Ugly fucks, too."

"Would you expect anything less?"

"Guess not."

He shifted and his scorched armor creaked loudly. "Well, I'm in. I'm fit for duty whenever you need me."

"Actually, do you want to join us in about an hour? It would mean getting back on the ground on Omega - we're going after a professor. Name's Solus - heard of him?"

"Sounds vaguely familiar."

"You don't have to come with us. I can understand if you'd rather just stay aboard than have to see Omega again. After what happened to you out there yesterday..."

"No. I want to. If it means killing even more mercs then I'm in."

"Great. Meet us in the shuttle bay in an hour then."

He nodded at her and began to walk out of the room. He turned to her, "And, Shepard?"

"Yeah, Garrus?"

"I'm glad that you're alive. It was an awfully empty galaxy without you."

****

He'd settled into the main battery quickly and with ease. The gun was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, and she calibrated like a dream. Cerberus had certainly made some much-needed upgrades and had spared no expense in improving the old girl. 

Garrus had been pleased to find Joker sitting in the pilot's seat. They'd shot the shit for a bit after Garrus and Shepard had returned with Mordin, and Garrus had explored the rest of the Normandy before making himself comfortable in the battery. The ship was a absolute marvel and, though it could never really be replaced, the SR-2 put the SR-1 to shame. The Alliance no longer had the most advanced ship in the galaxy - Shepard did. Even though it was flying Cerberus colours, he was proud to be serving on her. And to be fighting alongside Shepard again and playing off of each other in combat again was like living in dream, especially with her new biotic abilities - he enjoyed the way her face broke out into a smile every time she threw a biotic pulse and made some merc's head bounce off of the pavement. He didn't mind dodging bullets while he was at her six. 

Shepard was different, too, though. She'd changed, and he could only imagine that it was in reaction to her resurrection. It would have made him harder and less trusting, but it seemed to have softened her. She was more patient and kind and she was still a badass all the same, but he'd also seen her hesitate to be brash and confrontational when she wouldn't have thought twice about it before. 

He heard the door behind him open and he turned around and faced her. "Shepard, hey."

"Hey. How's it going? You finding everything okay?"

"Yeah. This gun is... impressive. The entire ship is. I gotta say, I wish that we'd joined up with Cerberus earlier."

Her mouth set into a firm line. "We're not with them - they're funding our mission. That's all." 

"Yeah, well... we couldn't do much better. This thing packs a punch. If the SR-1 had had something like this... uh, anyways, it's nice to have Joker at the helm, too."

"He was happy to see you, too. Has the rest of the crew been giving you any trouble?"

"Nah. They're polite and respectful. I was expecting a bit more hate from a pro-human group I guess. But that yeoman - Kelly? She's a bit... uh, enthusiastic, isn't she?"

Shepard laughed, "You mean to say she's fucking annoying?"

Ah, here was a peek into the shoot-first, think-later Shepard from the past. He laughed along with her, "Well, when you put it that way..."

"Don't worry. She won't bother you anymore. I told her to back off."

"Appreciate it. I'm sure that she means well, but she's uh, not my type."

Shepard leaned against the wall, a smirk spread across her face. "And who exactly _is_ your type?"

"I should be asking you that question," he'd muttered before he'd even thought about it. 

"Excuse me? What the hell did you just say?"

"Uh, nothing," he replied, turning back to the console. Him and his big, stupid mouth. 

"Oh no, no, no... I was asking a rhetorical question - I heard you. Give it up Vakarian."

"Promise you won't shoot me?"

She crossed her arms and jutted one of her hips out and stared him down. "I will make no such promise. Spit it out."

He was going to regret this.

"Well," he started, "I heard some marines talking about you back on Omega. It was a few months after the SR-1 blew up. They were talking about your... uh, personal preferences."

She waved her hand impatiently:  _go on_. 

"And one of the marines said that he'd heard a rumour that you were into turians. And that, uh... uh, that you had been involved with Nihlus Kryik, the Spectre that died back on Eden Prime."

Shepard straightened up almost immediately and uncrossed her arms, her mouth set in a line again. She didn't say anything, but he swore that he saw her mouth twitch and her eyes begin to glisten. She turned away from him and faced the door, her fists clenching and unclenching rhythmically. He could hear her take in sharp breaths and then release them through her teeth with a hiss. 

Garrus just watched her, unable to move or speak. He'd seen Shepard's anger before, but it usually manifested itself as a bullet shot in the vicinity of someone's foot, but he'd never seen her actively try to control it. 

When she finally turned back to face him, her anger had dissipated. Her eyes were dry. 

"Rumours are rumours, I guess," Shepard said calmly.

Garrus didn't say anything. This was making him feel very awkward. More so than usual. 

She met his eye cautiously. "Do you believe them?"

"Uh, like you said, Shepard: rumours are rumours. I try not to feed into any kind of scuttlebutt."

"Curiosity gets the better of us sometimes, though," she shrugged. "Look, you're my best friend and about the only other person I can trust in this fucked-up galaxy, so I'm going to be truthful with you."

"Shepard, you don't have to clarify anything for me. I'm sorry that I said anything at all. I..."

She put up a hand to silence him. "Garrus. It's all right. I should have told you before anyways. Yeah... Nihlus and I were involved."

He couldn't hide the surprise on his face. 

"I'd run into him about a week after what happened to my squad on Torfan. I was a complete wreck and I had gone and got myself really, really drunk in this sleazy little club, yapping some poor asari bartender's ear off about Torfan and Mindoir and just about every other life story I had. Nihlus was at the bar beside me that night, drunk out of his own mind, and we got to talking - he grew up tough, too. They'd labeled him as reckless and me as ruthless early on, and so we figured that we made a pretty good pair. We just... made sense, you know? We started seeing each other as much as we could without anyone catching on. And then he put my name forward for the Spectres and he showed up on the Normandy and got himself killed on Eden Prime. Guess it shows what happens when you try and get close to someone like me: you either get slaughtered by batarians or an indoctrinated dick who you thought was your friend."

Shepard looked down at her hands and he saw the ghost of sadness flit across her face. But it was gone as soon as it had appeared. Still, Garrus couldn’t help but feel like there was more to it than what she’d told him, but it wasn’t the time or the place to be nosy.

Garrus leaned against the console and drew in a sharp breath. "I'm sorry, Shepard. If I'd known..."

"What would you have done? There was nothing that anyone could have done, except for me… it was my own damn fault. I shouldn't have let him scout ahead alone. I should have known."

"There was no way you could have known. It wasn't your fault. Never met the guy, but I'd heard the reckless thing about him."

"I guess so."

There was an uncomfortable silence until Garrus opened his big mouth again, "Did you love him?"

Her head snapped up and she met his eyes. "What?"

He was too far in now. Next time he'd actually  _think_  before he spoke. "Did you, uh, love Nihlus?"

But she was actually considering the question. "I... there were things I loved about him. He was a fantastic soldier and he was always one step ahead of the game. Except he never saw Saren coming. He trusted Saren and he paid for it with his life."

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I never should have brought it up."

"No, it's all right. I didn't come down here to talk about myself, though. I came down here to check on you. Down on Omega you said that your let your heart get in the way of your better judgment. Was it a girl?"

"No, nothing like that," he said, "I let my guard down and my squad paid the price for it."

"Tell me."

So, he did. And Shepard just leaned back and listened intently, her eyes narrowing as he told her about Sidonis' treachery, and then softening after he expressed his anguish and anger about his squad. She just stood there supportively as he told her everything that had happened to him the last two years, and he appreciated her taking the time to listen and be there for him more than anything. She was a good friend. Spirits, he'd missed her.

"So where is this bastard Sidonis now?" she asked after he'd finished. 

"I've got some feelers out. I'll track him down, though. Thanks to you, I might actually get a chance to give him what he deserves."

"And you're sure that he wasn't just another casualty?"

"Not possible. He cleaned out his accounts and apartment and booked transport off of Omega the same day my squad got killed. He sold me out and ran."

"Well, when you find him let me know. I'll help in any way I can."

"Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate it."

"I should leave you to get acquainted with the ship a bit more. If you want to come up to my cabin later, I've got a model of a Mako that I might need your help building it."

"If you want to get realistic, we could include a little stain on the inside for where Wrex puked."

"Not funny."

"Kinda funny. See you later, Shepard."

"See you, Garrus."

Garrus turned back to his calibrations and began to happily dive into the metrics of the gun when he heard Shepard again over his shoulder, "Oh, and the other rumour was true, too, you know. I  _do_  have a preference for turians."

He swiveled around and caught the sparkle in her eye before the door closed. 

What the hell did  _that_  mean?? 


	4. Sentimentalism

"Okay, EDI, send one right down the middle of Uranus."

" _Probe away_."

Shepard burst into laughter as she watched on the holo as the probe hit the surface of the planet. "Isn't this fun, EDI? Probing Uranus together?"

" _I fail to see how probing Uranus is fun, Shepard. There is not much to be found here_."

"That's why you have to probe deeper!"

" _Shepard, I am well aware of the double-entendre that exists in the phrase 'probing Uranus' and now have come to believe that you directed us into the Sol System purely to probe..._ "

"Say it, EDI."

" _Shepard..._ "

"Say it!"

_"... Uranus_."

Shepard fell back in a fit of laughter. Damn, it felt good to laugh so hard again, even if it was over something as silly as sending probes to Uranus. "Come on, Joker appreciates my joke, doesn't he?"

" _You need some new material, Commander_ ," Joker said. 

"You're right."

" _Hey Shepard? If you're done sending probes into the annals of Uranus, do you mind coming to the cockpit for a minute?_ "

"And leave the comfort of my cabin?" she asked sarcastically. 

" _It'll just be a minut_ e."

"I'll be there soon. Also, nice one with the 'annals of Uranus'."

" _Thanks, Commande_ r.  _Glad someone around here appreciates my humour_."

***

When she entered the cockpit, she was surprised to see Joker out of his chair and bent over a medium-sized plastic box in the oft-empty chair to the right of his own. 

"Joker?"

"Ah, Commander. Thanks for coming down. Good timing - Hadley just brought this up."

"What is it?"

"It's... uh, it's yours."

"What?" she asked, moving closer to the box. She was certain it wasn't hers - she'd never seen the box before in her life. 

Joker hobbled over to his chair and lowered himself into it slowly. "I wasn't sure when I'd get the time to give it to you. So now seems as good a time as any."

"What do you mean that this is my stuff? Does kleptomania go hand-in-hand with Vrolik's Syndrome?"

"Laugh it up, Commander. This is what the Alliance had for your personal belongings. Of course, your footlocker went down when the Normandy did, so this is from your safety deposit box with Alliance command."

"And they gave this to  _you_? Why?"

"They were going to throw it away, but I... I dunno. I figured I'd hold onto it for sentimental reasons. Kinda stupid I guess. Or maybe I'm just psychic - I knew you'd rise from the dead and probably want this stuff. I've been holding onto it for a while, but you should have it. I mean, it's your shit anyways."

Shepard wanted to shoot him a sarcastic remark to tease him, but he had such an earnest look that she didn't have the heart to. "Joker... this is so thoughtful. Thank you for saving this for me. I'd forgotten about this stuff."

He smiled at her and seemed surprised by her kind response. "Anyways, before you go and get all mushy on me, I thought that you might want to go through some of it while you still have time. Before shit really hits the fan and you don't have a chance to."

"Hah! Shit's constantly hitting the fan when it comes to us. But I... I appreciate you doing this for me."

Joker turned towards the flight console. "Of course, Commander. Want me to let you know when we're getting close to the Citadel?"

"Please," Shepard nodded, gathering the box in her arms. "I'll be in my cabin."

"You got it."

As she left the cockpit and stared down at the items in the box. Shepard had sent back countless items to Alliance command for safekeeping over the years, but some of the items in the box were very obviously junk, like an old heat sink or a deck of cards with pictures of all of the different classes of Alliance ships on them. There was one thing in there that she didn't recognize, though - a rectangular package wrapped in wrinkled brown paper with a small bow on it. 

As she got back into her cabin, she set the box down on the coffee table and got on the comm to Joker.

" _Miss me already, Commander?_ "

"Of course," she replied, "but I just wanted to make sure that this is all  _my_  stuff - nothing of yours got mixed into it?"

" _I'm sure. Why?_ "

"Just some stuff I don't recognize, but it's been awhile... obviously. I'm sure I'll remember once I dive into this a bit more."

" _Good luck._ "

Shepard reached into the box and pulled out the package that she hadn't recognized. The brown paper was stiff and the bow was droopy and yellowed. It confused the hell out of her. She couldn't remember ever sending anything back to command that was wrapped... unless it had been a gift she'd intended for someone else that had been placed with her things instead. There was no tag and no name indicating who it was for or who it was from. 

She began to unwrap the paper carefully, and she was surprised when she uncovered a wooden music box. The wood was dark but with a rich grain, and it was polished to a smooth sheen. The box had small, brassy metallic lion's feet and little flower-like carvings in a border around the lid. It reminded her a bit of the music box that her mother had given her when she was a child on Mindoir - it had been her most prized possession, but it had gone up in flames when the slavers had raided the colony. Just like everything else. 

She shook the grim memory from her head, frowning, and lifted the lid. 

_"Nora. It's Nihlus..."_

Her heart raced and she closed the lid in shock. Tears stung her eyes immediately as she heard his voice, but she bit her lip and blinked them back. So it  _had_  been a gift. She lifted the lid again:

_"Nora. It's Nihlus. I bought this for you on a whim. I remembered that you told me about the music box you had as a child on Mindoir, and thought that this might be a fair replacement. But, instead of music, you get my voice. Lucky you. That’s what humans usually do for each other, right? Buy some useless sentimental thing that… well, you can always have me with you this way, I guess. I'll place this in your safety deposit box at Alliance command for safe-keeping until after we return from our Eden Prime mission. I'm hoping that it'll be the first of many missions together, especially after you become a Spectre. You deserve it more than anyone else I know. And I wanted to tell you that I... I love you, Nora. Don't forget that, no matter what happens."_

Shepard had closed her eyes and sat back on the couch, allowing herself to imagine that he was there with her, and when his voice stopped, she half-expected and hoped to open her eyes and find Nihlus sitting there with her. But, of course, he wasn't: he'd been dead for three years. 

She looked at the music box and noticed that there were a few items in it: a shot glass, a tiny, plastic butcher's cleaver, a small sphere made to look like Eden Prime, and a medallion with the Spectre insignia on it. Her heart beat faster as she picked up each item and imagined Nihlus putting the box together... a shot glass to represent the first time they'd met, the cleaver to represent the name that had stuck to her after Torfan, the small globe of Eden Prime for their first mission together, and the Spectre medallion to represent him. She tucked the medallion into her pocket, but left the rest in the box. She got up from the couch and walked over to her bed and set the music box down on her bedside table, and then laid down on her side with her hand folded underneath her head, staring at the plain wooden box that held the last remnants of  _him_. 

Tears threatened at her eyes again and she rolled on to her back, willing them to go away. Commander Nora Shepard never cried. She hadn't cried when she'd watched Jenkins die, she hadn't cried when she'd found Nihlus' body, she hadn't cried when she'd left Kaidan on Virmire, she hadn't cried when she thought she'd lost Garrus on Omega, and she was most certainly not going to cry now... but she wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to scream into her pillow and cry until she was so exhausted she couldn't move. Her lower lip trembled. 

_No. Stop it. You're Commander fucking Shepard - you don't cry_. 

She closed her eyes to try to concentrate on anything but crying, but all she could see was a vision of Nihlus, carefully and thoughtfully putting together the items in the box, recording the message, and then having the box wrapped and sent to her at Alliance command. It broke her heart.

He'd put his heart into it because he'd  _loved_  her - her, a human marine. And she'd never been able to tell him that she'd loved him, too. More than she'd ever thought possible.

She'd never thought she'd been worthy of love, and she'd closed herself off to most kinds of affection, and it had always made her seem cold, but Nihlus - a respected Spectre and decorated turian soldier - had thought that she was worthy. He'd thought she was so worthy that he'd gone out of his way to put together this corny little music box and record his voice along with little trinkets that reminded him of the two of them. He'd even put a  _fucking bow_  on it. And it... shattered her. She felt more broken lying there in her bed than she must have been when she hit the surface of Alchera. Utterly, completely shattered. 

The pain and grief washing over her was momentarily numbing. Shepard rolled over to the music box and reached over to open the lid again. 

His voice filled the room: 

_"Nora. It's Nihlus...."_

And then, with one loud, desperate, crushing sob, Commander Nora Shepard began to cry. 

_"I... I love you, Nora. Don't forget that, no matter what happens."_


	5. In Full Retreat

Garrus emerged from the main battery, starving and light-headed. The upgrades Shepard had ordered had gone in beautifully, and it had only taken his hands beginning to shake with hunger for him to leave his calibrations.

The mess hall was empty except for Jacob, Kasumi, and Donnelly and Daniels. The engineers were quarrelling as per usual, and Jacob and Kasumi were watching and laughing at them. Garrus prepared an MRE and kept a keen ear to their conversation. 

"The FBA couplings went in brilliantly," Donnelly was saying, "or they would have if Gabby over here hadn't been dreaming about one o' the boys in the CIC when we were installing them. I swear, I asked her to hand me a screwdriver and she passed me a wrench!"

"Oh, shut up, Kenneth. You're so full of it," Daniels said, punching him in the arm. "It was nice of Commander Shepard to pick those up for us."

"Aye, the Commander didn't have to go out of her way for us. When she brought them down to us she seemed a little off, though. Anyone else notice that?" Donnelly asked.

Jacob nodded. "Yeah. She's been acting oddly since we left Sol for the Citadel. Don't even know where she went after she got back with you, Kasumi. She's been hiding in her cabin I guess."

Kasumi nodded at Garrus, "You're one of her oldest friends, Garrus. Have you noticed anything different?"

He definitely had, but he didn't want to gossip about Shepard. He'd heard enough of it for a lifetime. "Shepard is a private person. If something was bothering her then she'd deal with it herself."

"Hmmm," Kasumi said, putting a finger to her chin. "You're probably right. Have _you_ tried cheering her up?"

Garrus shrugged. "Cheer and Shepard don't always go hand in hand."

He turned back towards the MRE he was cooking and then stalked back towards the main battery, shoveling food into his mouth. The mess hall had gone oddly silent behind him, but he paid no notice, instead focusing on the Thanix and the work he had ahead of him. 

He'd just finished inhaling his food when the door behind him opened and he turned around to see Shepard standing behind him. She looked pissed. 

"Shepard," he said, gulping down the last bite in his mouth and wiping his hand crudely across his face. 

She raised an eyebrow at him and wiped an area on her chin to indicate to him to do the same. 

"Do you ever just eat, or do you have to wear it, too?"

There was an iciness to her voice, even though she was joking. 

"I don't get out much," he retorted, wiping his chin. 

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'll get right to the point - want to tell me what that whole scene in the mess was about?"

"What do you mean?"

"I hate gossip. I hate it even more when it's about me."

"You heard that?"

Shepard nodded, narrowing her eyes and glowering at him. "You don't think that I'm cheerful, huh?"

"Uh..."

"Whatever. I don’t care – I didn’t get to be where I am today by being cheerful. But you were the only one there who actually _knows_ me. The only friend I’ve got left. And you didn't even stand up for me."

Her anger was contagious and he drew in a deep breath. "And what was I supposed to say, Shepard? I told them to stop worrying about you."

"You could have just told them to shut the fuck up!" she shouted, almost hysterical. 

Maybe they'd been right - this wasn't Shepard. Sure, she'd always been known to snap and making scathing remarks, but she didn't shout unless it was totally necessary... or at politicians. Something was wrong with her. 

Garrus took a step back and put his hands up in front of his defensively. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I should have had your back."

"And you usually do! What happened?"

"It's just stupid gossip, Shepard. Since when do you care what people say about you?"

Her face became flushed and he swore he saw tears glaze in her eyes. He took a step towards her and she stepped back. This  _really_  wasn't Shepard. He tried taking another step towards her, and she looked away from him and took another step back, pressed with her spine against the closed door. 

"Shepard?" he whispered. 

She kept her eyes on the floor and stiffened. 

"Nora?" he tried again. 

Her teeth clenched and she met his glance with fire in her eyes. "Don't call me that."

Garrus was on auto-pilot now, fueled by worry and another emotion he couldn't quite put a finger on. He moved towards her again and grabbed her arms, and then brought her into his arms in an all-enveloping hug. 

"No! No!" she cried, pushing him away. "You don't understand! Don't touch me!"

She reached for the door sensor, but he caught her arm and yanked her back towards him. It was like trying to control a small child. 

"Let go of me, Garrus!" she shouted.

"No," he replied, his voice low and predatory. 

"Let me go now or I swear that I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what? Retreat into your cabin for the rest of the day? You can't just shut me out, Shepard. Tell me what's wrong!"

"I can't. I can't, Garrus. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," he said, and she stopped struggling in his arms. He released her, but held onto her wrist to prevent her from dashing for the door.

This really,  _really_  wasn't Shepard. 

"This is something I have to deal with on my own," she whispered. "You can't help me."

"Tell me and I can try," he murmured tenderly, brushing hair that had come loose during their struggle behind her ear. 

She flinched at his touch and he withdrew. Her eyes became hard again and her mouth became set. She straightened up stiffly. 

"You can't help me," she repeated. 

Garrus was getting angry now. "What the hell has gotten into you, Shepard?" he shouted at her, his voice shrill. 

If she was surprised by his sudden outburst, she didn't look it. Instead she met his eyes and said calmly, "You need to calm down."

"And you need to stop acting like you're the one with a stick up  _your_  ass!"

"Garrus..."

"What do you want from me, Shepard?" he pleaded with her, gripping her shoulders and shaking her, "What can I say to make you snap out of it?"

She faltered slightly and bit her lip, twisting out of his grasp. "What I want you can't give me."

He looked at her and hung his head. She wasn't going to give it up and he was done trying. 

"Okay. Well, I'm here if you need me," he muttered, turning back towards the console. 

He hears her footsteps retreat and then the door close behind him. So much for his calibrations. 

****

" _Hey Garrus, you there_?" Joker's voice over the comm surprised him and his hand jumped on the console, scrambling the metrics he'd just finished ironing out. 

"Fuck!" he hissed. 

" _Garrus? Sorry to bother you, man, but this is kind of important_."

"Lay it on me, Joker."

" _It's... uh, it's the Commander_."

Garrus interrupted him, "Already tried to help her and she totally shut me out. You're looking for help in the wrong place."

 _"EDI's worried about her - her vital signs are all out of whack, and her body temperature has decreased by a degree over the last thirty minutes. We've tried hailing her in her cabin several times but there’s no answer_."

Garrus felt his heart rate increase. "And you're sure that she's in her cabin?"

" _Yeah, we're sure_."

"Okay, I'll check it out. Alert Chakwas so she can be ready if we need her."

" _Thanks, Garrus_."

He rushed out of the main battery and towards the elevator, hitting the button for Shepard's cabin several times as if it would make the elevator move faster. He’d been spending too much time with the humans.

It felt like the elevator was crawling upwards, and he found himself not knowing what to do as he waited to reach his destination. So, he began to pace in the very small space, with worry and that other emotion that had been plaguing him since his talk earlier with Shepard washing over him in droves. It was like a bad headache - he had no idea what caused it and no idea how to make it go away. 

The elevator finally pinged and he burst through the doors before they could even open entirely and hit the sensor for her cabin. He scanned the room for her, but she wasn't anywhere in plain sight. Garrus moved to see if she was on her couch, but the sound of the shower running made him stop. 

He was going to kill EDI and Joker for this one - Shepard was simply taking a shower. He was about to turn and exit her cabin when he remembered that EDI had noticed Shepard's body temperature had a _lowered_... which didn't make sense if she was in the shower. And there wasn't any steam coming from the crack at the bottom of the door. 

Garrus walked towards the bathroom cautiously, and the door slid open. 

Shepard was completely naked, sitting on the floor of the shower, hugging her feet and staring at nothing in front of her. The water was rushing over her. She didn't look up when he came in. 

He rushed over to the knob and turned off the water. It was ice cold. 

"Shepard?" he asked, trying not to stare at her naked body. 

She didn't respond, but she was shivering violently and her lips were blue. 

"Fuck, Shepard!" he said, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her. He forced her to her feet and out into her cabin. 

"EDI, get Chakwas up here now! Get Kasumi or someone to bring me something warm to drink, STAT."

" _Affirmative_."

Garrus grabbed another towel and wrapped it around Shepard, and then another for her sopping hair, and led her towards the bed. He knew what to do to help treat someone who was suffering from cold... well, turians anyways. It was one of the first things that they learned in basic. 

He grabbed the towels from around her and dried her body off and then yanked the plush white cover off of the bed and threw it around her shoulders, bundling her up. Lying her down gently on the bed in her cocoon, he began to search through the chest of drawers for clothing and eventually pulled out a pair of woolly socks. 

Carefully putting them on her feet, he searched for any other warm clothing, but most were compression wear for underneath her hardsuit or fatigues. They wouldn't help. At least the socks would help.

Garrus looked over at where Shepard was laying and noticed that she was still shivering. There was another thing that he could do... but she was naked and Chakwas and Kasumi would both be here soon. But… her teeth were chattering and she was still shivering violently.

Shit, he was just going to have to do it.

He slid out of his armour and removed his shirt and then peeled back the blankets from around Shepard. She began to shiver even more. He worked himself behind her until he was pressed up against her back, and then covered the two of them up with the blanket, wrapping himself around her, and was momentarily shocked at just how freezing her skin felt against his.

"It's okay, Shepard. Just stop shivering. You'll get warm soon. I'm here. I'll help warm you up," he whispered into her ear. He felt his skin begin to absorb the cold from her body.

"I... I can't lose him, too," Shepard said, her voice shaking.

"What are you taking about, Shepard?"

"I can't lose G-Garrus, too," she stuttered, followed by some incoherent mumbling. 

"I'm right here, Shepard. I'm right here. You're not going to lose me."

"I... I _love_ him."

She was obviously delirious, so he just pulled her body in closer to him. She'd stopped shivering so much, but her breathing was still labored and she was still freezing. 

Chakwas and Kasumi burst into the room then, and both women stopped in their tracks and stared at him. 

"Uh, are we interrupting something?" Kasumi asked, a steaming mug held in her hands. 

"No. I found her in the shower with the cold water running. She was freezing and her lips were blue so I dried her off and got some socks on her, but she wouldn't stop shivering," he answered. 

"So you thought you'd climb into bed with her?" Kasumi asked accusingly. 

"No, no, Kasumi. Garrus did the right thing. Turians have remarkably high body temperatures. He's using his body like a heating blanket," Chakwas said, at Shepard's side in an instant. 

Garrus shot Kasumi a look and she shrugged. "I was just asking. Here's some tea."

She handed the tea to Chakwas, who placed it on the bedside table. The doctor had lifted up Shepard's eyelids and was checking them with a small flashlight. 

Shepard blinked a few times at the doctor and then closed her eyes and began to mumble.

"She’s been mumbling incoherently like that since I found her, Doctor," Garrus told her, "she was talking to me like I was someone else."

"Her body is in shock," the doctor said, "Incoherent rambling isn't that much of a concern right now. She wasn't hallucinating or anything, was she?"

"Not that I could tell," he answered. 

"Okay. Are you okay to stay there with her, Garrus? I need to bring up some supplies. Kasumi, try to get her to drink that tea. If she becomes unconscious, let me know immediately."

Chakwas ran from the room and Kasumi moved over towards the side of the bed and grabbed the mug. 

"Can you help her sit up?" she asked Garrus. "It's not like I brought a straw."

"She's naked."

"I have the same parts as she does, and I’m not really concerned with looking at her lady bits right now. _You're_ not naked, are you?"

"No."

"Then get her to sit up."

He uncovered their bodies and wrapped his arms around Shepard's waist, placing her arm over his crest, and bringing her into a sitting position. 

One of Shepard’s eyes lolled open. "Kasumi?"

"Hey, Shep. I brought you some yummy tea. I'll help you drink it."

Shepard nodded, a silly smile on her face. "I feel kinda funny."

"Jeez, it's like she's drunk or something," Kasumi breathed. 

Shepard took a few sips of the tea. "Mmm that is good."

"Told you, Shep," Kasumi answered, "do you want some more?"

Shepard's head seemed to flop around as she nodded again. "Yeah. It's helping me feel warm. I felt so cold before."

"Are you feeling cold now?" Kasumi asked, bringing the mug to Shepard's lips again. 

"A little bit, but Nihlus is here. He won't let me get too cold. He's helping me to warm up."

Garrus froze and Kasumi did the same, a shocked look on her face.

" _Who_ did you say is here?" the other woman asked. 

"Nihlus," Shepard said as if it was obvious, and then she turned to look at Garrus. Her brow furrowed in confusion. " _Garrus_? But… I thought… when did you get here?"

Kasumi gave him a worried look. "Hey, Shep, have a few more sips of the tea and then we're going to bundle you up again to get you feeling even more warm, okay?"

Shepard sipped the tea noisily and then settled back down on her side. Garrus covered her up with the blankets and then brought her in close to him again.

Kasumi’s eyes were filled with worry. "Okay, Shepard. Dr. Chakwas is going to be here in a minute. Are you going to be okay?"

Shepard let out an uncharacteristic giggle and sighed, "How many other girls do you know have a turian warming blanket?"

"Not many," Kasumi murmured. "Garrus? You going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine, Kasumi. Thanks for the tea," Shepard said, pushing herself deeper into Garrus' arms. 

He met the other woman's eyes, and Kasumi shrugged at him. "Chakwas will be back soon," she said, and turned on her heel to leave the cabin. 

"Garrus?" Shepard asked lazily after Kasumi left the room.

"Yeah, Shepard?" he asked, breathing in her sweet scent. Her hair brushed against his face and he imagined that it would tickle were he ticklish. 

"Thanks for being here. For having my back... literally."

This sounded more like Shepard - no more incoherent babbling and confusing him with her dead turian lover. 

"Of course. I'm always here when you need me. You know that. What were you doing in that shower anyways?"

"I... I don't really know. I guess I..."

The door opened and Chakwas ran in, thermal bag and a small tank in hand, effectively cutting Shepard off. 

"How are you feeling, Commander?"

Shepard looked at her. "I'm still pretty cold, but Garrus is helping."

Chakwas gave him a kind look. "What would we do without Garrus?"

He smiled at the doctor. 

"Here," Chakwas said, pulling the tank around to Shepard and giving her a breather mask, "This is warm oxygen. It will help."

Shepard put the mask to her mouth and began to breathe in. 

Chakwas looked at Garrus. "I also brought a warming blanket and several hot packs that we can use instead of you. If you'd like, I mean..."

"That's a good idea, Doctor," he said, removing himself from around Shepard carefully.

"I'm glad to see that you don't look as dazed as you did earlier, Commander. I was worried about you," Chakwas said. 

Shepard crinkled her eyes into a smile at her and continued breathing in the oxygen. Garrus helped Chakwas wrap Shepard in the warming blanket and then placed the hot packs around her. 

"She'll be all right?" he murmured quietly to Chakwas as they were searching for another towel to replace the one soaked by Shepard's mop of hair. 

Chakwas looked over to where Shepard was lying on the bed, a floating head amidst the sea of the white cover, puffed up by the warming materials underneath it.

"Physically? She'll be fine. I might have to stay the night here, though. Just in case."

Garrus shook his head. "No. Let me do it. You need rest. I don't."

"You do need rest, you know. But I suppose that it would be all right. Did she say anything about what drove her to sit underneath freezing cold water?"

"I tried asking her, but she said she didn't know."

"Hmmm, well, we can ask her when she's feeling better I suppose. I'm no psychologist, but I think that there may be some underlying emotional issue here. Perhaps Yeoman Chambers can provide some assistance?"

"Hah! Shepard would tell her to go to hell."

Chakwas smiled. "You're right. But she might speak to you."

He sighed, "Doubtful. But I'll try."

Chakwas patted him on the back. "Don't take it all on yourself, Garrus. You've been through so much these past few days. Mind over matter. If it's too much for you, then let... oh, I don't know - let Joker handle it for an hour or two so you can rest, all right?"

"That's even worse than your suggestion about Chambers."

"If you need anything, please call me. I do need to check her vitals now to see if it's all right to let her sleep. Will you be all right to check on her hourly? At least for the next few hours and then I'm sure that EDI can monitor her just fine. Checking for breathing, temperature... well, any remaining symptoms of hypothermia."

"I'll set an alarm."

Chakwas moved over to where Shepard was and began speaking to her softly, checking her pulse and temperature. After a while, she stood and nodded at Garrus and then left the cabin with one last look over her shoulder at Shepard. 

He moved over to the couch and sat with his one leg crossed over the other. 

Shepard raised her head briefly and said, "Ah, the great Archangel... keeping watch over his invalid friend."

"Just go to sleep, Shepard."

"You know what I just realized?"

"What?"

"You've seen me naked now."

Oh, Spirits, he was glad that she wasn't looking at his face. "Go to sleep, Shepard."

She let out a soft chuckle and then her breathing slowed and got deeper and, within a few minutes, she was asleep. He found himself cursing that he'd neglected to grab his gun or ask Kasumi or Chakwas to bring it with them so he could at least clean it or calibrate it while he sat here. What the hell was he supposed to do now? 

Garrus looked around the room. Her chest of drawers was a mess from when he'd frantically ruffled through it. He got up and moved towards the dresser, studying the burned and scratched N7 helmet that had been hers on the top of the set. How horrid that must have been - walking through that wreckage on Alchera, finding that helmet, knowing that it could have been her own icy grave. He should have gone with her. 

He turned and stared at her model display case - she was missing a few. There was one unfinished on the desk that she'd been working on, and then there was a box of odds and ends on the desk as well. He looked into it, careful not to touch anything - a child's doll, a deck of cards... it looked like someone had just dumped a bunch of junk into a box.

Garrus continued to make his way around her room, staring into the fish tank and tapping on the glass, scaring the Koi fish that had been closest to his finger. He looked over towards Shepard, still sleeping, and then noticed a small box on her bedside table. It looked out of place. 

He carefully crept over to her bedside and picked up the box. It was plain and wooden and he'd never seen anything like it before. Glancing at her nervously, he walked over and sat on the couch, placing the box on the coffee table in front of him. Shepard wouldn't be too keen on him going through her stuff, but this box was so intriguing. He had to know what it was. 

Little did he know it was akin to Pandora's box. 

He opened the lid. 

_"Nora. It's Nihlus..."_

The voice surprised him and he jumped, closing the lid hastily. Garrus glanced back up at Shepard, but she was in a deep sleep. He sat back on the couch, and stared at the box and then at his hands, and then at the box, and then at his hands. What the hell was Nihlus' voice doing emanating from a little wooden box? Perhaps there was a mechanism that triggered a recording when you opened the box? But what was the purpose of it? It certainly wasn't something a turian would be familiar with... maybe it was yet another odd human thing?

Garrus glanced at Shepard nervously again and opened the box. Nihlus' voice filled the room again. 

_"Nora. It's Nihlus..."_

As the recording played out, Garrus felt his chest tighten. This had been a gift from Nihlus to Shepard intended to be something sweet and sentimental. And a turian being 'sweet and sentimental’ meant only one thing... 

_"I... I love you, Nora. Don't forget that, no matter what happens."_

Yeah - _that_. It meant that Nihlus and Shepard had been a little more involved than she'd said if a Spectre as accomplished and revered as Nihlus Kryik had told a human - an accomplished Alliance marine human, but still a _human_ \- that he loved her. And that he'd gone to the effort to put together something that she'd appreciate meant that Nihlus had been very, very serious about Shepard. Garrus began to wonder if Shepard had been as serious about Nihlus, but his chest tightened even more and he pushed the thought from his head.

Was he... was he  _jealous_? No, he couldn't be jealous - right? Shepard was his best friend and nothing more...  _right_? 

Garrus looked up at where she was sleeping and felt that emotion from before gurgle to the surface again. He smiled at her. He could see why Nihlus had loved her - he likely saw past the renegade facade and the walls she put up around her to protect herself, just like Garrus did. 

Inside the box were a few things that Garrus found extremely perplexing - an oddly shaped... knife(?) that was made of plastic, a small shot glass, and a globe of... Earth(?)... no, it was Eden Prime. There was also an oval-shaped dent in the fabric of the box, but he couldn't see anything in there that matched it. 

Garrus closed the box and carefully returned it to Shepard's bedside, and then sat back down on the couch, lost in his thoughts. 

And what had Shepard meant, thinking he was Nihlus? Who was she saying that she loved, and why was she so worried that she was going to lose him? He was more worried about losing her, and not to a bullet - she seemed to be retreating further and further away from him and he didn’t know if he could pull her out of it.

"Hey Joker, you there?" 

" _What's up, Garrus? How's the Commander?"_

"She's fine now. I'm, uh, watching over her. Doctor's orders. What do you know about this box of random stuff in Shepard's cabin?"

_"Oh yeah, those are her personal items that I picked up from the Alliance after she was declared KIA. Gave 'em to her a couple of days ago."_

"And do you know the story behind the little wooden box?"

_"What wooden box? I didn't go through her stuff, Garrus. I just stored it and then gave it to her. You think I'm that nosy?"_

"No. Just wondering. Kinda bored just watching her sleep so thought I'd ask."

_"Also kinda creepy. Joker out."_

Garrus laughed - he supposed it was kind of creepy. At least now he knew the source of Shepard's odd behaviour. Now he just needed to figure out what to do with the knowledge. 

"Spirits, Nihlus," Garrus muttered, "you couldn't just stay dead?"


	6. In the Field Where I Died

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reference to the great X-Files episode with the same title as this chapter that makes me cry every time I see it. Also, there is a direct quote from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of The King in here if you happen to notice it - I figured I should give it a little shout out.

She was standing on Alchera, surrounded by bodies and debris, all fanned out around her in a perfect circle. The bodies were mangled and burned and bloody, and all of their eyes were open and staring at her. Their mouths were moving robotically and were whispering her name. 

_Shepard._

_Shepard._

"Shut up!" she screamed. "Stop it!"

Shepard squeezed her eyes closed and placed her hands on her ears. The noises stopped and she opened her eyes again, but found herself in Nihlus' apartment on the Citadel. She looked down at herself and saw that she was only wearing her underwear and she had a mug of coffee in her hand. She was standing in his kitchen, and the rays of artificial sunlight streaming through the window danced across her bare stomach. She’d only been to his apartment a few times.

She heard laughter coming from the bedroom down the hall. Shepard walked cautiously through the hallway until she arrived in the bedroom. Nihlus lay on the bed, laughing at a vid. 

"Nihlus?" she croaked. 

"Nora, hey," he said gently, turning the vid off. "You get your coffee? You checked to make sure it's levo, right? I made sure to pick some up for when you were here next."

She stared at him, not knowing what to say. "This is a dream," she whispered, feeling tears start to well in her eyes. 

Nihlus smiled and crawled across the bed, wrapping his one arm around her waist and pulling her in close to him. Then he tenderly put his forehead to hers and sighed, "Then it is a good dream."

He released her and she continued to stand there, staring at him. 

Nihlus returned the stare. "Nora? What's wrong? You're coming back to bed, right? We could pick up where we left off if you know what I mean."

Shepard gaped at him, but her body wouldn't move. She was afraid that, if she moved too suddenly or at all, she'd mess up the dream and he’d disappear. It was so real and so... so wonderful. Oh, she missed him so damn much. 

"But... but Nihlus, you're dead."

Nihlus looked at her in shock. "Uh, what? I'm not dead. Did you have a bad dream where I died?"

"No. I didn't. It wasn’t a dream. You _died_. This isn’t right. I saw you... Saren killed you. I saw your body on Eden Prime."

Nihlus grabbed the mug from her hands and placed it on the table beside the bed and then sat on the edge of the bed and brought her in close to him so that he was looking up at her. "Do I look dead to you?"

"N-no."

"Come here." He pulled her down onto the bed and she snuggled into his warmth.

_Please don't let this just be a dream. Please let this be real. Please._

"I love you," she whispered, "I missed you so much."

"I love you too, Shepard."

She pushed herself back in shock as the voice changed, and she found herself face-to-face with Garrus Vakarian. 

"Garrus?" she said.

"Yeah," he replied simply, bringing his forehead towards hers and giving her a broad, loving smile. 

Shepard took and deep breath and closed her eyes again and felt the world start to spin. Voices filled her head and it felt like a fireworks display was happening behind her eyelids. 

_I love you Nora. Don't ever forget that, no matter what happens._

_What do you want from me, Shepard?!?_

_You can't help me._

And then she felt herself start to fall, but she couldn't open her eyes. Panic overtook her and she tried to move, but she couldn't. She fell and fell and fell until she felt her body hit the ground with a loud, bone-crushing THWACK! And then she just felt cold. Cold and damp and... dead. 

But something was touching her face. She reached a hand up and felt wet droplets on her face. Opening her eyes, she stared up at the sky of Alchera, snow gently floating towards her. 

_No!_

She pushed herself up into a sitting position and looked around. Her helmet lay on the ground in front of her, and the bodies of the crew were strewn all over the place. Pressly had landed a few feet from where she was sitting, his body draped over a snow drift, his head tilted back and staring at her. The wreckage of the SR-1 was still burning and the smell of burning eezo and flesh made her nostrils burn. She staggered into a standing position and turned with her back to the carnage.  

"Shepard, you should be resting," came a familiar voice from behind her. 

"Garrus, leave me alone. I just need to fucking wake up. Go away."

"When you said you loved me, did you mean it?"

"I... Garrus... I..." she turned around and gasped as Nihlus stood there, looking at her. Blue blood streaked down his face, and his fringe was burned and some of it was missing from where Saren had shot him in the back of the head.

"Did you mean it?" Nihlus asked in Garrus' voice. 

"I need to wake up," she repeated to herself, closing her eyes. “Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”

But when she opened them again, she was standing in the same spot in the field where she'd died, and Nihlus was still standing in front of her. His blood was pooling in metallic blue at his feet. 

"Nora?" Nihlus asked, but his voice was his own this time, "Are you in love with him?"

Shepard stared at him, her heart racing. "Nihlus..."

"Don't lie to me."

"I... I don't know."

"Bullshit, Nora! You do know! You love him, don't you?"

The tears had cracked through her best efforts to hold them back and they poured down her face, falling into the snow. They were tainted with red.

"But I've never stopped loving you! You... you _left_ me! You got yourself killed and I had to find you! I had to find you there and then leave your body! And then the music box... _why_ did you leave me, Nihlus? Why did you leave me?" she wailed, falling to her knees. The tears began to colour the snow in front of her red, forming their own pool that soon merged with Nihlus' blue. 

His hand reached down and stroked her face. "I love you, Nora. I always will."

"I'll always love you, Nihlus. I don't think I'll ever love anyone else."

"But you already do. You love him. You love Garrus. You have for a long time now, haven't you? Even before you died... you loved him."

"N-no! I can't! I won't..."

"It's too late. You do. And I want that for you."

"What? What are you saying?"

"I want you to be happy, Nora."

"But..."

"It doesn't mean that you forget about me. I'll always be with you. But I want you to be happy. And I want you to have love again."

"I'll lose him. Just like I lost my parents and my home and you..."

Nihlus laughed, blood foaming from his mouth and running down his chin. "Love isn't about certainty, Nora. Everything you have you could lose. You should know that. It's about taking risks and chances. And I died happy knowing that the best thing I ever did was take a chance on you. Now take a chance of your own. Fall in love again. Please. For me."

She snuggled into his hand on her face and looked at the ground. Her red puddle wasn't there anymore. Neither was his blue. She looked up frantically and Nihlus had disappeared. The wreckage and bodies and burning stench had disappeared, but she was still kneeling in the field on Alchera. Alone.

"Wake up, Shepard!" she hissed to herself, "Fucking wake up!"

A massive BOOM! shook her, and she blinked her eyes open in time to watch Garrus fly back towards her after being hit with the rocket on Omega. 

"Garrus! No!" she screamed, trying to run towards him... but then everything went black. 

"Shepard? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

She felt two, warm turian hands on her shoulders and her eyes burst open and met Garrus' familiar, piercing blue. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him fiercely, catching him off-guard and making him fall on top of her. 

_It was all a dream. It was all just one clusterfuck of a dream._

"I saw you. I saw you get hit with that rocket," she whispered, tightening her grasp on him. "If I ever lost you... I don't think I could bear it, Garrus. I'd have nothing left."

He'd buried his face into her hair and had wrapped his arms around her. "I lost you once. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"Worse than taking a rocket to the face?"

She heard him grunt into her hair and she released him.

"Well, I must mean a lot to you then," she murmured.

Garrus pushed himself up and met her eye. "You have no idea."

It was something about seeing him out of his armour and without his visor that made him look young and vulnerable. It made her heart ache. 

Shepard reached a hand up and lightly touched the bandage covering the scar on the side of his face. His body had stiffened considerably and he was giving her a wary look, his mandibles pulled in tightly to the side of his face.

_Take a chance of your own. Fall in love again. For me._

Shepard reached up and knotted her hands behind Garrus' neck and brought his forehead down to touch hers. She felt him gasp slightly as their foreheads touched, but he didn't struggle against her grasp. He knew what the gesture meant. And she knew that he wouldn’t have stayed there, eyes closed, enjoying their foreheads touching together, if he didn’t mean it, too.


	7. Slipping Through Three Fingers

There hadn't been much time to talk after the moment they'd shared in her cabin after he'd found her in the shower. He couldn't remember how much he and Shepard had stayed in the turian embrace for, but he remembered clearly that she'd pulled away tenderly and then gone back to sleep without either of them saying anything. He'd stayed afterwards for a few hours and then retired to the main battery to sleep himself, satisfied with EDI's ability to monitor Shepard for any lingering hypothermia symptoms. And then, when Chakwas had cleared Shepard for duty, the Illusive Man had alerted them to what was happening on Horizon and they'd gone straight there. 

Garrus had tried to catch her before they landed on Horizon to talk, but she was busy running to meet with Miranda or Mordin or Jacob. At least she'd asked him to come with her on shore party along with the Professor. It'd been illuminating to watch the salarian fight the Collectors with such passion and tenacity, and Mordin's little celebratory comments when he brought down Collector after Collector were so genuine and content that Garrus felt almost joyful. It was actually motivating and he was beginning to really enjoy fighting alongside the salarian... something that reminded him of his squad on Omega. 

But seeing Ash had thrown a wrench into things. He'd wanted to strangle her when she'd turned her back on Shepard, and he could tell that Shepard did, too. Though he could see Shepard's anger threatening to boil over, he was impressed with how she'd handled herself - Ash was one of her oldest friends, after all. He, on the other hand, lost his cool a bit, but Williams deserved it. 

Shepard had teased him a bit for it when they'd loaded back onto the shuttles. At least she was acting normally now. 

He'd wanted to speak with her afterwards, but Jacob was waiting for them when they returned and she was off again to speak with the Illusive Man. So he'd holed up as usual in the main battery and bided his time a bit, sending a message to Chambers to get her to send the Commander his way. He just wanted a moment alone with Shepard to talk about what had happened between them and make sure that it had meant the same to her as it had for him. And maybe about why she'd felt the need to sit under a freezing cold shower for half an hour, but that was it. That was all he wanted.

When she'd finally come down to see him, she had barely stepped foot in the battery when EDI had paged her about Jacob and Miranda having urgent requests. So, Shepard had turned on her heel and promised to come by again after she saw to these 'urgent requests'. But she hadn't come by again and he was about to just go up to her cabin, let himself in, and sit on the bed to wait for her when he got a message: 

_Garrus,_

_Sorry if I seemed distant. We'll find a chance to talk, I promise._

_It's been an exhausting couple of days, and Joker has convinced me that we need a little break. He's decided on Omega and not given me any choice in the matter (though I'm not above breaking his arm) and having a night out at Afterlife. I have something I forgot to give Aria anyways._

_I hope you'll come with us. Sounds like most of the crew is in. Maybe we can find somewhere private to talk then?_

_Shepard._

Ugh. Back to Omega? He'd rather swallow a freshly discharged heat sink. 

****

"Hey Garrus, you made it!" Joker called from the table they'd set themselves up at on the main level of Afterlife.

Garrus smiled at the pilot. Joker was sitting with Donnelly, Jacob and a very restless Grunt. The krogan seemed to take up most of the room at the table. 

"Where's Mordin?" Garrus asked. 

"He went to visit his assistant Daniel at the clinic and see if he could help," Joker shouted over the music, "Kasumi, Gabby, and Kelly are over dancing and I'm not sure where Miranda is."

"And Shepard?"

"At the bar. She's getting some drinks."

"Not dancing?" Garrus smirked at Joker. 

"Hah! No way. She hasn't had enough yet."

Garrus looked over to where Shepard was standing, trying to get the bartender's attention. She looked over and met his eye and smiled. He returned it, but began to feel nervous and looked away. 

Grunt took a swig of his foul-smelling alcohol and belched. "This ryncol is foul."

"You can say that again!" Jacob said, waving the air in front of his face. "I'm going to go join the girls. Excuse me."

"Right behind you, mate," Donnelly said. 

"Why don't you join in the dancing, Joker?" Garrus asked. 

"I prefer to watch. Plus, if I twist and shout too hard then I end up with bone fragments floating around so, you know, sitting still is more my scene. What about you, Grunt? You like to dance?"

Grunt slammed his glass of ryncol down on the table. Some of it sloshed over the side and Garrus swore he saw it burn a hole into the table. "Hah! Dancing is for fools. Krogan don't dance - they charge!"

"No charging tonight, Grunt," Shepard said as she returned with drinks. "Good that you joined us, Garrus. I got you a drink, too."

He smiled at her and slid over in the booth for her. She pressed in beside him and he felt her hand come to rest on his knee. It sent shivers up his spine. 

Joker raised his glass. "I think we need to toast something."

Garrus flashed back to the group of marines toasting Shepard years earlier and quickly said, "To Omega! Or, as Miranda put it so eloquently: Omega, what a pisshole!"

"Nah, man. We need something else. To taking a break! And letting loose with friends!" Joker cried. 

They clinked glasses and Shepard squeezed Garrus' knee. He went to lean over to ask her if she wanted to find somewhere to be alone, but she'd taken a sip of her drink and made a face. 

"Ugh! This isn't what I wanted. I'll be right back," she said. She got up from the table and walked back over to the bar. Garrus watched her go, his knee still burning from where'd she'd touched him. 

"Shepard deserves this," Joker said, glancing at her. "She's only been back from the dead for what? A few weeks now?"

"If that," Garrus said. 

"I don't understand when you speak about Shepard's death and rebirth," Grunt spoke up, "How did she come to be reborn? Was she in a tank?"

"No. She was put back together in some Cerberus lab. Jacob said that all she was when he saw her was 'meat and tubes', hooked up to machines. If you want details ask Miranda," Joker said, "I'm sure she'd be thrilled to tell you all about Shepard's reconstruction."

"Hmm I will think about this. The one you call Miranda has many stories, yes?" Grunt asked. 

"Yeah. She's a regular open book. You should visit her on the Crew Deck whenever you want. I'll draw you directions to her office if you want. Get me a napkin!" Joker cried. The alcohol was beginning to affect him. 

"Heh heh heh," Grunt chuckled, "you're all right, human. You make me laugh, and this makes me less likely to kill you."

Joker stared at Grunt. "That means a lot to me, Grunt, thank you. Hey, who's that talking to Shepard?"

Garrus looked over to the bar and he felt his chest tighten. That feeling was back. 

"That turian is odd. He has no facial markings," Grunt said. 

"That's Preitor Gavorn," Garrus said through clenched teeth, "He's nothing more than a glorified exterminator."

"Sounds like you're fond of him, Garrus. How does he know Shepard?" Joker asked. 

"We ran into him after we found Mordin. He'd asked her about the vorcha down in the slums and she'd told him that he hadn't been doing a good enough job," Garrus said, smiling at the recollection.

"She told him off? So you wouldn't call them friends, then?" Joker asked. 

"They met once and she told him off, yeah. Why?"

"I think she's flirting with him."

Garrus snapped his head to look at Shepard. Gavorn had settled himself in at the bar beside her and seemed to be telling her a story, waving his hands about dramatically. She threw her head back in laughter and touched his wrist ever so slightly and then began to speak to him passionately, swaying a little from drink. Garrus' heart began to race. It looked innocent, but he'd never actually seen Shepard flirt before.

"You sure? Looks like she's just humouring him to me."

"Nah, man, she's definitely flirting. And he's laying it on thick, too." 

"Humans and turians are not compatible partners," Grunt slurred, "Why is Shepard even speaking to him?"

"Grunt, Shepard likes turians," Joker said. 

"She is not pro-human only, you mean?" Grunt asked. 

"No... uh, Grunt, buddy. The Commander prefers turian men over human men for her uh, partners," Joker said slowly. 

"You mean for sex?" Grunt shouted. 

Joker ducked his head. "Keep your voice down! And yes, for sex."

"But they wouldn't be able to reproduce. Why would she choose a mate that could not provide her offspring?"

"Uh, Garrus? Want to help me out here?"

Garrus was only half-listening. He was focused on Shepard and Gavorn, watching them intently and feeling his blood begin to boil.

Joker looked at him warily and then back to Grunt. "Grunt, we'll have the birds and the bees talk later. That turian might just be trying to be friendly, that's all. I probably misread his intentions - it's not really common for turians to go for humans anyways."

A passing dancer overheard them and stopped. "Which turian are you talking about?" 

Joker smiled at the human woman and looked her up and down. "Uh, what did you say his name was, Garrus?"

"Gavorn," Garrus growled, his fist clenched. 

"Oh, Captain Gavorn? He's not just being friendly, trust me. He's into human females... like  _really_  into them. He's a perfect gentleman until he gets you alone. Very handsy," the dancer said, glancing over at Shepard and Gavorn.  "You ever been with a human, sweetie?" she asked, batting her eyelashes at Garrus. 

Garrus ignored her at first, but then gave her a look. "How many credits would it take for you to go over there to him?"

The dancer gave him a sly look. "Why? Is that your girl he's chatting up?"

"How many credits?" Garrus snapped. 

"Five hundred. But I can't guarantee anything. He looks pretty taken with your girlfriend, honey."

"Take the five hundred. Here. Now go."

The dancer gave him an annoyed look, but sashayed over to Gavorn. She draped herself over the turian and whispered seductively in his ear, tracing a finger around his crest. It looked like Gavorn was going to take the bait, and Garrus felt himself relax a bit, but then Gavorn waved the dancer away and turned back to Shepard. He waved at the bartender and seemed to order Shepard a drink, and then continued their conversation. Shepard was leaning in so she could hear him over the music, but Gavorn's mouth was getting dangerously close to her ear. The dancer looked over at Garrus and shrugged and he felt a low growl begin to rumble in his gut. 

Grunt chuckled again and slapped Garrus hard on the back, "Heh heh! This is a turian that I like! His blood boils and he longs to kill as much as I do."

"What are you talking about, Grunt?" Garrus asked. 

"Uh, Garrus, you look like you might shoot that Gavorn guy right now, and I swear that steam is actually coming from your ears," Joker chimed in. "And why'd you pay that dancer to go over there? That was five hundred credits wasted."

"Gavorn is an idiot," Garrus spat, "He _is_ flirting with Shepard. That bastard."

"So what? This is Shepard's night off. Let her have some fun. She can handle herself, and that dancer said he was a gentleman, right? Shepard needs to blow off some steam."

Garrus didn't say anything and just continued to glower at Gavorn and Shepard. She _was_ flirting with the other man, and she seemed to either be accepting his blatant advances or she was just an idiot for not noticing them. She'd promised Garrus that they'd get some time to chat, and now she was wasting her time with that bare-faced, vorcha-killing, bottom feeder. 

"Shit. Speaking of having fun... there goes that dancer from before. I'll be back," Joker slurred. He got out of the booth carefully and then limped over towards the dancer. 

Grunt elbowed Garrus in the ribs. "I can smell your hatred for that other turian from here."

"It's probably just your ryncol, Grunt."

"Heh! The ryncol is strong, but your hatred is stronger. You're thinking about how you're going to kill him, aren't you?"

"Do all krogan read minds?"

"Do all turians want to kill each other? Or is it because of Shepard? You want to defend her honour?"

"Something like that."

"Then what are you waiting for?" Grunt said, his voice becoming louder, "I will declare you an honorary krogan for this night only if you grow a quad and go over there."

Garrus slammed his fist down on the table. "Fine. But keep the honorary krogan title... I've got a reputation to uphold. And, uh, don't mention this to Moreau?"

Grunt nodded at him and swigged back more ryncol. The krogan began to sway in his seat. 

Garrus walked over towards Shepard and Gavorn. She was nursing her drink and listening to him with a slight smile on her face. He was animated, mimicking holding a rifle with his hands. 

"... so then they think that they can flank me. The commander starts yelling 'You flank him! Right side. You kill him now!'... well, that's not exactly what it sounded like - I can't really do a great vorcha impression..." Gavorn was saying. 

Shepard chuckled and her fingers lightly brushed Gavorn's arm. "Wasn't bad. You need to practice it a bit."

Gavorn looked down at his hands and Garrus saw his neck flush. Fuck, this asshole was turned on. By Shepard.  _Garrus_ ' Shepard. 

"Ah, Shepard?" Garrus asked, clearing his throat. 

She swiveled around in the bar stool and smiled at him. "Hey, you. Preitor here was just telling me about all of his adventures with Omega's vorcha."

"Yes, well, it's hardly impressive compared to what you've accomplished, Commander Shepard," Gavorn said, eyeing Garrus cautiously. 

"I am pretty badass," Shepard slurred, crinkling her nose into a laugh.

"You're also pretty intoxicated," Garrus said. "Maybe you should come back to the table?" 

"Why? Did you miss me?" she teased. She looked over at Gavorn and put her hand on his arm. Garrus watched in disgust as Gavorn's neck flushed again. "Preitor, did you know that Garrus has seen me naked?"

Gavorn stiffened and looked at Shepard and then at Garrus. "Uh... oh, I see. I didn't know that you... I should probably go now."

Shepard opened her mouth to protest but Garrus grabbed her arm and yanked her off of the bar stool.

"Hey!" she shouted. 

Garrus glared at Gavorn. "Get lost."

"Hey man, she never mentioned she was spoken for. And she was flirting right back. I heard she liked turians but I never thought she'd be with  _you_. Last I'd heard she was with N...

"Say his name and I'll shoot you where you sit, Gavorn. Or I'll have my krogan friend over there rip your spine out. He's been planning how to do it all night. Back the fuck off."

Gavorn got up from the stool and backed away, but he gave Garrus a sly look. "You'll never measure up to a Spectre,  _Archangel_."

" _Fuck off_ , Gavorn, or you'll have worse to deal with than vorcha. Last warning."

"I'm going."

Garrus watched Gavorn stalk out of Afterlife and then turned back to see Shepard glaring at him, her arms crossed. 

"Did you figure out who's is bigger?" she asked, her voice hard. 

"Mine," he growled, walking past her and back towards the table. Kasumi and Jacob had returned, and Grunt was telling a very lively story, spilling ryncol all over the table. Garrus' nostrils burned - he could smell the putrid shit from where he stood.

"Actually, you know what? I've had enough of Afterlife to last a lifetime. See you on the ship, Shepard. Have fun."

She grabbed his arm as he walked by her. "Uh, no. You're not leaving."

"Let go."

"No."

Garrus stared at her. "I'm not above breaking your arm."

"Why? So you can stalk out of here like a little girl and go pout by yourself?"

He didn't say anything. 

Shepard began to drag him towards the dance floor. "Come on. We're going to talk about this."

"No. Shepard, I don't want to dance and I don't want to fucking talk about this."

"Then what do you want, Garrus?"

He grabbed her arm and got close to her, his mouth brushing her ear. "I wanted to talk to you. I didn't want to have to sit around and watch while you flirted with someone else. You've always done what you wanted and if you want Gavorn then that's fine. You can probably still catch him if you run."

He released her and walked towards the exit. She didn't follow him. It wasn't until he'd entered the docking area when the tight feeling in his chest overwhelmed him and he realized just what a terrible mistake he'd made. He shouldn't have turned his back on her. But it was too late to turn back now - Shepard had probably already gone after Gavorn, and the tender moment they'd shared in her cabin had meant nothing. Simple. She'd been looking for comfort and a distraction and that's all he'd been in that moment for her. Had it all just been a game to her?

He stood in front of the door to the Normandy's berth, lost in his thoughts and stewing with anger when he felt a fist meet the un-bandaged side of his face. The blow wasn't that hard, but it still knocked him off balance and jerked him back to the present moment. 

Garrus turned immediately and reached for the throat of whoever had just hit him. If they were looking to mug him then they'd certainly picked the wrong fucking turian. His hand closed over a soft, fleshy neck, and he saw green eyes widen in fear and her hands grasp at his own around her neck. 

"Shepard? What the hell? Did you just  _punch_  me?"

"It seemed to be the only way to get your attention. And, besides, I'm pissed off at you."

"Using violence to get your point across? Sounds like you."

"Oh, and _you're_ so righteous? Give me a break, Garrus."

"Okay, Shepard. You've got my attention and you've bruised my jaw. Congratulations."

"Don't be an asshole. You should know better than to try to get away with that. You got jealous and went all alpha male back there and then you ran away like a little bitch."

"And you said you wanted to talk and then decided to have some private one-on-one time with what's-his-gun. After you and I...  in your cabin... you know what? Forget it, Shepard. This is becoming more trouble than it's worth."

Shepard jerked back like he'd hit her, and he instantly regretted saying it. He hit the sensor to access the Normandy and walked towards the airlock, just wanting to get away from the mess he'd created. Oh, how he'd fucked up. 

He entered the Normandy and walked through the CIC quickly, but he began to feel winded, stopping just before the elevator and gasping for breath. His chest and throat were tight and his head throbbed. He leaned against the wall and stared at the ground, his arms crossed. What a colossal mistake this night had been. 

"I'm getting pretty sick of running after you," Shepard said from behind him, the tender tone of her voice filling the empty CIC. 

"Shepard... I'm sorry..." 

"No. I'm sorry. I was trying to get your attention and I ended up being the one acting like an asshole. And then I retaliated badly because I'm really, really shitty at the whole feelings thing. And I punched you in the face because... well, when in doubt resort to violence, right? But I feel terrible that I did that and I hope that you can forgive me. What happened between us in my cabin meant everything to me, you know. You mean everything to me and I want to be more than just your friend, but if you don't want to, then I understand. We can go back to just being friends."

He took a deep breath as his heart hammered in his chest. "It meant the same to me, too. I wanted to talk with you about that to make sure that we were both on the same page."

"I'm on the page where we  _don't_  act like complete idiots and play games with each other. You?"

"Same page. No games."

"Good. Though I did really like that whole alpha male bit you pulled off in Afterlife, so maybe I should call up Gavorn and..."

Garrus was on her in an instant, sweeping her up in his arms and bringing his mouth to hers in a human kiss. She jumped and wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled his face into hers, kissing his mouth with her plush lips over and over again, running her hands under his fringe and down his neck. He was sure his neck was as flush as it could get. 

He pushed her up against the wall and pinned her there, running his tongue around the inside of her mouth and allowing her's to do the same to his. He breathed in her scent and it made desire flare up in him, spreading through his body like wildfire. 

Garrus could feel Shepard's own body stiffen in his hands, but he could also feel her heart racing against his own chest, her cheeks were flushed, and her breathing had intensified. 

"My cabin?" she murmured against his mouth. 

He didn't even respond, but hit the sensor and carried her into the elevator, pushing her up against the wall there and began to lick and nip her neck, enjoying the happy sounds that were vibrating in her throat. 

The elevator opened and he walked through the doors and threw her down onto her bed, crawling on top of her. He kissed the glowing scars on her forehead and her cheeks, and then made his way down her neck. She stopped him briefly and they grasped at each other's clothes, undressing each other quickly. 

Fuck. She was the most magnificent thing he'd ever seen. 

Garrus continued kissing her where he'd left off, careful not to sink his sharp teeth into her fragile skin. He trailed his mouth down her body until he reached where he wanted to be and buried his tongue inside of her. Shepard let out a strangled gasp and automatically wrapped her legs around his neck, grasping at his fringe and crying out in sheer pleasure. He loved that sound. 

He pulled back and crawled on top of her again, letting her hands move all over his body. She grabbed his erection and he let out a deep, long, drawn-out moan - the feel of her soft, smooth hands on him was almost too much for him to bear. And when she finally guided him inside of her, the feeling was so intense and exhilarating that he exploded, burying his face in her hair. He felt her come around him violently, and she screamed out his name as she got her release. 

They lay there, still entwined, his face still entangled in her hair, and her legs still wrapped tightly around him, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed up against each other. Her fingertips lightly caressed his back and she shifted her hips slightly, pressing up into him and making him go hard inside of her all over again. 

"I love you, Garrus," she whispered. 

The tightness in his chest was gone, his throat had cleared and his head no longer ached, but he hadn't been expecting her to say that. 

He met her eyes and, for the first time ever, he saw Nora Shepard in a vulnerable state. The great Nora Shepard, who ran into firefights when her shields were down, and didn't care about the repercussions after she punched Al-Jilani when the cameras were running, had completely bared her soul to him. Him - Garrus Vakarian, failed C-Sec officer and vigilante. 

The emotion that had been bugging him for the past few days suddenly made sense to him - maybe he, Garrus Vakarian, failed C-Sec officer and vigilante, had fallen in love with the great Nora Shepard. 

"I'm in love with you," he blurted. "I... I'm in love with you."

Shepard sighed happily and put her forehead to his. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment, but a second after his eyes shut, he heard Nihlus' voice in his head: 

_"I love you, Nora. Don't forget that, no matter what happens."_

Garrus closed his eyes and willed the voice to go away. Instead, it was replaced by Gavorn's:

 _"You'll never measure up to a Spectre, Archangel._ "

He never should have opened that box.


	8. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Somebody was talking. Softly talking, but talking all the same. 

Garrus opened an eye and took in his surroundings. He was laying on his stomach, sprawled on Shepard's bed, alone. He looked over to the clock - it was very, very early. He pushed himself up and looked around the room, still hearing the faint voice. 

"Shepard?" he called out. 

There was no answer, but the voices continued. It sounded like it was coming from outside of the cabin. But who would Shepard be speaking to this late? 

He got up, still naked, and walked towards the door, listening. 

Shepard was talking to somebody, and Garrus recognized the voice almost immediately: David Anderson. But the latter's voice kept cutting out. She was likely speaking to him via her omnitool. 

"You can understand the sensitive nature of this, Shepard. Rumours are annoying enough, and with your reputation and the news that you're with Cerberus... and you punched Khalisah Al-Jilani in the face live on camera! How do you think it would make you look - make the Alliance look! - if this came out now?"

"I understand, Anderson. I don't want to hurt the Alliance, but I can't just refuse. And I'm confused as to why this is only now coming to my attention."

"It's been in litigation for two years, Shepard. His mother was contesting his will and then she died about a week after you were declared MIA. And, because we couldn't confirm your death, it was forgotten about until you showed up here again."

"And the Council didn't feel it was necessary to include me in the discussion about it?"

Garrus was getting restless, but he was curious as to what Shepard and Anderson were talking about. Shepard had talked to Anderson on the Citadel and Garrus knew that they were still friends, but this didn't sound like a friendly conversation. Shepard sounded pissed. 

"The Council still isn't sure what they want to do about it. Udina wants it gone altogether. He's taking this personally, Shepard. It's as if any mention of the relationship is sacrilegious to him.  The turian Councillor is not very happy about it, either."

What relationship? He and Shepard weren't in a relationship, were they? And how would the Council have found out about it so damn quickly? Garrus' heart started to race. 

"Udina can suck it. And didn't the Council find out about what was going on when he died?"

"About a year afterwards."

"Why so long?"

"The Citadel was in shambles. The Council didn't have time to deal with the lawyers and the lawyers weren't really keen on going to the Council, either. But they weren't going to come to the Alliance or the Turian Hierarchy for help, either. Nihlus was an outsider - he didn't grow up on Palaven or a turian colony, so the Hierarchy would be no help, and the only thing that the Alliance could have told them was that you had no next of kin. The logical choice would be his mother, but his will specifically stated that his mother would not get any of his belongings. It was adamant that everything go to you. But by the time the lawyers pulled their heads out of their asses, both you and his mother were dead. The next step was to take it to the Council - he was a Council Spectre after all."

"And they shelved it?"

"To put it mildly. They were shocked to learn of the relationship between you two and even spoke about stripping the both of you entirely of your posthumous honours, but it was actually Udina who stood up for you. He was willing to strip Nihlus of his honours, but when it comes to you he's fiercely protective. So they ignored it, until you showed up again."

"So what the hell is the problem? They can't just push through the paperwork?"

"It's not that easy, Shepard. It's a political nightmare and a litigious one. Nihlus left you his apartment and a skycar and just getting the registration changed to your name would take forever. Technically, you're still listed as dead."

"But they re-invoked my Spectre status! This is ridiculous. Nihlus has been dead for almost three years."

"Look, I'm just passing along the message. If you want to yell at someone, then you can come and yell at Udina. But I doubt it'll help. He and the turian Councillor have been butting heads more frequently as of late and the turian Councillor seems determined to keep you from being able to claim anything if Nihlus' as if he's trying to get back at Udina. He even became upset with me for not bringing the Council's attention to your relationship with Nihlus earlier."

"But you didn't know about it."

"And that's exactly what I told him. Speaking of which, why didn't you tell me, Shepard?"

"I... I was afraid what the implications would be. Tensions were - are - still thick between turians and humans and I couldn't imagine the fallout for the Alliance if word got out that I was involved with a turian Spectre. And then he showed up on the Normandy and put my name forward as a Spectre candidate without my knowledge... I wanted to tell you, but then Eden Prime and..."

"Say no more. I understand. But you still should have told me about it. To learn about it from the Council was... unsettling."

"Of course, sir."

"No need to 'sir' me, Shepard. You don't serve under me anymore. But I appreciate you looking out for the Alliance. Your blood still runs blue."

"Hoo-rah, sir!"

"I'll let you know if anything else comes of this. And, Shepard?"

"Yeah, Anderson?"

"Will you be all right? I can only imagine that you and Nihlus were serious if he left everything to you."

"I'll be fine. I've... I've moved on. I just want Nihlus to finally be able to rest in peace. No use stirring up old ghosts because the turian councillor's got his panties in a knot."

"That's what politics is all about, Shepard. A bunch of idiots with their panties bunched up arguing about nothing. But I am sorry that you had to deal with Nihlus' death on Eden Prime on your own. It must have been hell for you."

"Anderson, you couldn't have known. It was hell and definitely something I never want to go through again, but I'm okay. Like I said, I've moved on."

"All right, Shepard. I'll be in touch. Anderson out."

Garrus raced back towards the bed and tried to position himself exactly as he had been to avert any of Shepard's suspicion. The woman never missed anything. 

He heard the door to the cabin open and Shepard sighed heavily. She walked towards the bed and he sensed that she was trying her best to be quiet. Good, it meant she thought he was still asleep. He felt her in close proximity to him, and then she crept away from the bed. He heard her sit at her desk and place something on the tabletop. 

And then Nihlus' voice, but not in his head:

" _Nora. It's Nihlus..._ "

Garrus heard her close the top of the wooden box, effectively cutting off Nihlus's voice. 

Shepard sighed, "I feel like I've failed you. I'm sorry, Nihlus."

Garrus' heart sank, but he lay still. Shepard sighed deeply again and then he heard her get up from the desk and walk over to the bed again. He felt her climb into the bed and pull the covers over her, and then she curled up into a little ball and her breathing became deep and slow as she fell asleep almost instantly. 

He closed his eyes and tried to will himself to go back to sleep, but his mind was spiralling. 

_You'll never measure up to a Spectre, Archangel._  

Fuck. He really was going to rip Gavorn's spine out if he ever saw the twat again.


	9. Diversion

When Shepard had told Joker to plot a course for Eden Prime, the pilot had just stared at her for a good two minutes before simply asking, "Why?"

She wanted to snap at him and tell him that he shouldn't be questioning his commanding officer, but it was a valid inquiry. "I have unfinished business. I know it takes us out of our way, but I need to do something there and it won't take me very long."

"Uh, sure, Commander, whatever you need."

Shepard nodded at him and the turned and walked out of the cockpit. Yeoman Chambers smiled at her as she checked her messages. Shepard returned the smile slightly and Chambers looked shocked. It was probably the way that the scars became even more distorted and odd-looking when Shepard smiled. 

"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak to you in the Briefing Room," Chambers said. 

"Thanks, Chambers. I'll go there after I check my messages."

"Of course, Commander."

Shepard scanned her inbox. Emily Wong wanted an interview, what a surprise. She typed back a response:  _Sure. I'll ping you when I'm on the Citadel next. But don't ask the hard questions - I'm prone to violent outbursts. Ask Al-Jilani._  

And then there was one from Dr. Michel. The sweet, unassuming Dr. Michel from back on the Wards... the little doctor damsel-in-distress who Garrus had saved was sending a message to her to ask for 'her' and Garrus to visit next time they were on the Citadel, when it was painfully obvious she was really just wanting a visit from Garrus. Well, there was one other human woman she knew of who was into turians, but Michel was into  _Shepard's_  turian, and that was unacceptable. 

_Dr. Michel,_

_Thank you for your message and your concern about me. I'm doing quite well and would love to drop by the next time I find myself on the Citadel. Perhaps I'll bring Garrus with me._

_In regards to your other question -  it depends what you mean when you ask if Garrus is with me. I suppose I can answer you with this: Garrus is 'with' me both in a physical and emotional sense. Hope that clears up any confusion._

_Take care,_

_Cmdr. Shepard_

Feeling very pleased with herself, and more than a little bit catty, Shepard hit 'send' and walked into the Briefing Room. Not even the Illusive Man was going to put her out of this good mood. 

***

"Mr. Moreau, I have a question about human behaviour."

"What is it, EDI?"

"It's in regards to Commander Shepard and her sexual preferences."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Why the hell does this conversation keep coming up? And why am I the one who has to be involved in it?!"

"If it is making you uncomfortable then I can ask someone else. Perhaps Operative Lawson? I am asking you first, though, because I believe that your history with the Commander makes you better-suited to provide me insight."

"Just ask, EDI," Joker said, sighing. They'd be through the relay soon and on their way to Eden Prime. 

"I have observed several relationship paradigms between the human males and females on this ship, both romantic and platonic. The crew does not seem to have any interest in species other than their own, though many of the male crew members have expressed interest in an asari named Sha'ira."

"And how does this relate to Shepard?"

"I am getting there, Mr. Moreau."

"Make it quick, EDI. The less time I spend talking to you about this the better."

"Through these observances, I had extrapolated that Shepard shared the same preferences as the rest of the female crew members. But I was mistaken."

"Yeah, yeah, I already know this. Shepard likes turians. That's common knowledge, EDI. You should have seen her put Alenko down back on the SR-1. That poor guy went after her relentlessly and she just shot him down again and again."

"It is common knowledge that Shepard's sexual tendencies range outside of her species? I will catalogue this."

"Yeah. Think she's been that way for awhile. There was this rumour that she was involved with this turian Spectre we had aboard the Normandy once, and then she probably went home with some turian she met at Afterlife the other night."

"Yes, Shepard and Officer Vakarian boarded the Normandy together the night you speak of. While you and the rest of the crew were still ashore."

"Wait... what? You said Garrus was with her?"

"Yes."

"Damn. I thought she went after Gavorn. Guess they both were tired."

"They did not come back to the Normandy to sleep, Mr. Moreau."

"EDI, what are you getting at?"

"I have heard the human crew members referring to the act as 'sleeping together', though the act that Shepard and Officer Vakarian engaged in did  _not_  involve sleep."

"You're shitting me!"

"I do not understand, Mr. Moreau."

"Shepard and Garrus? No way. You sure it was  _Garrus_?"

"I am positive."

"Garrus? Garrus Vakarian? Super tall, wears blue armour everywhere, and thinks he's funny?"

"I am aware of who he is."

"And they slept together?"

"They engaged in sexual activity. I did not witness everything, though."

"You're perverted! You watched them?"

"I assigned some of my idle processes to monitor them as I found their behaviour strange when they entered the Normandy. They were upset with each other at first, and then their behaviour changed quite drastically. After they entered Shepard's quarters, I only monitored their vital signs."

"Still perverted, EDI."

"Are you disappointed that I do not have more details, Mr. Moreau?"

"No! That's disgusting," he lied, "but I am curious as to how they would even... uh, actually - no, gross." 

"I have taken the liberty of bookmarking several extranet sites that you may find intriguing, Mr. Moreau, though I recommend that you view them privately."

Joker smiled broadly. "EDI, you might just be the best damn friend I've ever had."

*****

The Illusive Man wasn't happy with the diversion to Eden Prime before they hit the Collector ship, but the Normandy was under her command and it went where she needed it to. And she could give two fucks about what the Illusive Man wanted. She needed to do this. 

As the Normandy neared Eden Prime, Shepard felt her heart race. Was she really going to do this? She reached into her pocket and fingered the Spectre medallion, her mind swimming. She'd asked for the shuttle to drop her off at the old spaceport, give her an hour by herself, and then come back to retrieve her.

The crew hadn't been alerted. As far as they knew, she'd diverted them to this system for exploration, but Miranda had been slightly suspicious, and she hadn't seen Garrus all day. That was probably for the best, though. 

The shuttle dropped her off at the abandoned spaceport and Shepard looked around warily. The little settlement had never really been re-established here after Saren's attack, though she'd heard that there were others on the planet that were doing just fine. But this one... well...

There were still remnants of the dragon's teeth scattered about, and the last two years had been unforgiving to the buildings. One of the prefabs had actually been knocked over and it looked as if a fire had burned through the area not long ago. But the main part of the spaceport - the area where she'd found Nihlus' body - was still mostly intact. 

As Shepard neared the platform, she was rocked with flashbacks. She saw Jenkins die again, his body riddled with bullets from the geth drones. She saw Kaidan's pained face when she'd told him to leave Jenkins there...

... and she saw Nihlus, his eyes still open, lying there, the back of his head blown open, and a puddle of blue blood underneath him. The feelings she'd experienced then flooded through her again - the torture of wanting to scream out and fling herself on top of her lover, but having to maintain a professional, calm facade in front of Williams and Alenko. She'd wanted to drop to her knees and take Nihlus' limp hand in hers and cry, but she'd just walked past his body like a robot. The rage that had surged through her after hearing that Saren had shot Nihlus in the back had been almost intoxicating, and she'd taken out a large geth Destroyer that same day in a brutal melee attack. 

There was still a faint tinge of blue on the steel where Nihlus had fallen. She sat beside it and brought out the music box, opening it. 

 _"Nora, it's Nihlus..."_  

She let the entire message play out, closing her eyes and letting his voice wash over her, engulfing her completely. The memories of him rushed at her then: meeting him for the first time, kissing him for the first time, their first awkward go at sex, the tender moments, the laughter, the passionate fights, waking up beside him, the love, and then... the end. Shepard reached into her pocket and pulled out the Spectre medallion. Putting it to her lips, she kissed it lightly and whispered, "I'll always love you" and then put it into the box and closed the lid. 

There was a young tree that had sprouted up close to the platform where she'd found his body. It would be the perfect spot. She got up from the platform and walked over to the tree. She pulled out a small spade she'd borrowed from Gardner and dug a small hole at the base of the tree, careful to avoid the roots. 

Shepard ran her hand over the top of the music box, fighting back tears and the urge to open the lid and hear his voice one last time. But she knew that she'd never be able to part with it if she did, so she placed the box in the hole and covered it back up with dirt. She sat there, on her knees, staring at the disturbed ground where she'd just buried the last remnants of the first man she'd ever loved, tears streaming down her face. Looking over at the blue tinted steel, and then back down at the tree, Shepard felt sobs rock her entire body, and she put her hands to her face and cried. 

*****

When they left Eden Prime and Joker had set a new course to where the turian signal had alerted to the disabled Collector ship, Shepard had retired to her cabin. She'd stopped on the Crew Deck on her way up from the shuttle bay to speak to Garrus about what she'd done, but the battery door's sensor was red and she needed some time alone anyways. Whatever Gardner had been cooking smelled so good that it made her stomach growl, but she wouldn't be able to sit among the crew and listen to their chatter - she really just needed some time alone with her thoughts. 

Shepard sat on her bed with her elbows on her knees and her face cradled in her hands. She thought that she'd feel free and liberated after she'd buried the box, but she felt lost and sad. Not unlike how she'd felt for the past few years. 

_You never really got to grieve him. Maybe this is what grief feels like._

And then this whole business with Nihlus' will - he'd left her _everything_. She almost didn't want it, but she couldn't turn her back on his last wishes now. And the vision she had in her mind of that pompous turian councillor's face when he'd found about her and Nihlus... if she could've been a fly on the wall to see that she could've died a very happy woman. 

 _Fucking politicians_.

She didn't hear the knock on her cabin door, but she jerked back to reality when the cabin door opened and the smell of Gardner's cooking wafted through the air.

Shepard looked up.

Garrus was standing at the top of the stairs, holding two bowls. 

"I, uh, thought that we could dine in tonight."

She got up from her bed and walked over to him, greedily grabbing one of the bowls filled with Gardner's gumbo. The other bowl was filled was some lumpy grey mass. 

"Yuck. That looks terrible. What are you eating?"

"Re-purposed MRE," he chuckled, "What? It doesn't look appetizing to you?"

"It looks like you're about to eat whatever they found growing under the floor."

"Aaaand now I'm not going to eat anything. Thanks for that."

She raised her eyebrows at him as she dove into the gumbo and gave him a wink. 

Garrus gave her a cautious look. "So... Eden Prime?"

"Joker told you?"

"He's worried about you."

"So why didn't he just talk to me?"

"For fear for his life, probably."

"Not funny."

"Ah, come on, Nora. You'd rip his head off if he asked, you know that."

Her heart lurched when he called her by her proper name, but she tried not to let the surprise show on her face. "Then he could have asked Miranda."

"I know you better. Plus, uh... I guess EDI told him about, uh, you know... you and me and, uh, what we did the other night."

"Of course she did," Shepard said, the disdain in her voice muffled by her mouthful of food.

"So are you going to fill me in? Why Eden Prime?"

"Are _you_ worried about me?"

Garrus put his bowl down on the table and sighed, "I... yeah, I guess I am. After everything that's happened between us - uh, well... yeah, I'm worried about you."

"Don't be," she said through another mouthful of gumbo. She walked down the stairs and sat down on the couch.

He didn't follow her. There was a long silence, punctuated only by her chewing, until he finally said, "I... uh, I found your wooden box. From Nihlus."

Shepard choked on her food and coughed, beating her chest with a fist. "What?"

He moved over to peer into her fish tank. "When I found you in your shower. You were sleeping and I got curious and..."

"You decided that you'd go through my personal things?" she asked sharply. 

"I didn't know what it was. And after I opened it..."

"You had no right to do that, Garrus!"

"I know. I'm sorry, Nora."

Her heart lurched again. Tears stung her eyes - he said her name so much like Nihlus had. "That box was very, _very_  private to me. You betrayed that. You shouldn't have gone through my shit!"

"It wasn't my intention to betray anything. I'm sorry."

Shepard bit her lip, wanting to either cry more or yell at him, but it seemed so pointless now. The music box was gone.

"Well, it doesn't matter now anyways."

Garrus walked down and sat beside her on the couch, his face mired with worry. "Why not?"

"Because the box is gone. I buried it. That's why we went to Eden Prime. I buried it close to where I found his body three years ago."

"What? Why?"

"It was time to lay it to rest. I don't need to hold onto that box like a crutch. Nihlus is gone.... he's gone."

Garrus pulled back a bit. "But you still love him?"

She was annoyed at the question, but kept her composure. "Of course. I always will. But I've moved on. I... I love  _you_ , Garrus."

He leaned in towards her again and she set her bowl on the table and grabbed his hands in hers. 

"But I'm not a Spectre. I don't even work for C-Sec anymore... hell, I don't even know what I am. Failed vigilante?" he muttered.

She reached up and touched the bandaged side of his face tenderly. "You're a part of the Normandy, you're a hell of a soldier, you're always my first choice when we gotta go kick ass, and you can calibrate just about anything like nobody else in this galaxy."

"I... uh, thank you. That means a lot."

"You bet. Now, you going to eat that lump of crap you brought up here or what? I feel silly stuffing my face on my own."

"Yeah. You wanna watch a vid?"

"Yeah. Something scary, so that when we get into this Collector ship I won't be so horrified by what I have a feeling we'll find there."

As he went and grabbed his bowl and they curled up in the couch together, she suddenly remembered something, "Oh, if we run into Dr. Michel next time we go to the Citadel, she may act a little odd around you."

"Why's that?" 

"Because she sent me a message asking about you and I told her to back the fuck off... politely. Kinda pulled off the same move you did with Gavorn, but with less testosterone."

"Okay? Thanks for the heads up," he said, obviously confused.

Shepard snuggled her head underneath his neck and he wrapped his arm around her and brought her in close. She had an overwhelming feeling that she was finally where she belonged. 

She didn't feel so lost anymore.


	10. Collection

Shepard had been right for them to watch a scary vid before they hit the Collector ship – the horror that they encountered there was almost more than he could bear. It was worse than what he’d seen when he was investigating Dr. Saleon back at C-Sec, and that was saying a lot. Garrus thought he’d seen the worst possible horrors then, but now…

He heard Shepard take in a sharp breath as they came across the first pile of human remains, but her face was hard and her resolve didn’t falter once as she stared down at the mangled pile of tissue, limbs, and bones. It made his stomach turn and his adrenaline spike, but Shepard just stared down the pile of bodies coldly.

“There’s nothing we can do for them now,” she said, her voice hard.

Garrus stared at her, searching her face for some kind of tell – some kind of sign or emotional response to tell him how she really felt, but she wasn’t giving anything away. There wasn’t even a hint of disgust on her face. It worried him. But, he supposed, it was probably similar to how she’d dealt with finding Nihlus’ body on Eden Prime; Alenko had told them back on the SR-1 that she’d simply just looked at the body with a hard look on her face and then pressed on even harder and fiercer than she had before, but she’d never showed any sort of emotion or tell about how she was feeling. And that was what was happening now: Shepard was shutting the emotion out – retreating even further into the dark hole he was so desperately trying to dig her out of.

“Let’s move,” she hissed, pulling her Carnifex from its holster. She jutted her chin at Mordin and he nodded at her, moving forward with his own Carnifex at the ready.

Garrus fell into place at Shepard’s six and readied his rifle, but he was uneasy as he stared at the back of her head. He understood the need for her to be strong and stoic and professional, especially in this hellhole, but he didn’t understand why she was being so cold. And if this was similar to the way she’d reacted when she’d found Nihlus’ body, then… well, this wasn’t good. He could feel her slipping out of his grasp again.

And her demeanor only worried him more as they moved through the ship – her usual ferocity with which she fought had become extreme, and she wasn’t sticking to cover as often. It was like she was fighting like she had nothing to lose. It made her dangerous, sure, but it made the worry creep up even faster. What if she really did feel like she had nothing to lose? Where did that leave him?

He tried to shake the worry away, but it was still there, and it was making him lose focus. And this wasn’t the place to lose focus. Besides, he had something to lose now.

****

Shepard was angry, but it was a different kind of anger. It was a dead anger – an emotion that held no weight or effect. It was like it was a constant state of being for her now, even though she was trying desperately to get back the feeling that she’d had when she’d been in Garrus’ arms before they hit the Collector ship… but that feeling had seemingly vanished. Now, she just felt betrayed and this cold sense of anger, and she wanted to run towards the Scion she’d just sent an incineration blast towards and pummel it into the ground. The difference between this anger was that she didn’t care if she died doing it.

It wasn’t that she was suicidal but that she just wasn’t sure how she was feeling. She could feel Garrus’ eyes constantly watching her – he was concerned, no doubt, but she didn’t want to talk about it. They’d been through enough together already, and she didn’t want him to perceive her as weak. When push came to shove, they were here for the mission and they’d do everything in their ability to see it through… even if it meant that they’d never see each other again.

Her throat closed and she drew in a sharp breath as her heart threatened to burst at her last thought. At least she could still _kind of_ emote after seeing the carnage aboard this ship… at least when it came to Garrus. She sent another incineration blast towards the Scion and it crumpled to the floor.

“Move! Go, go, go!” she shouted at Garrus and Mordin as she vaulted out of cover. “We have to get to the Normandy before this ship powers back up!”

She leveled her pistol at the husks swarming them and waited for her team to run past her. But Garrus stood behind her.

“Go, Shepard!” he shouted at her.

“No!”

“I’m not moving unless you go first!”

“This isn't the time for you to be stubborn, Vakarian,” she hissed.

“No time to argue. Husks coming. Need to get out!” Mordin shouted at them over his shoulder.

Shepard grit her teeth and stormed through the sea of husks, resisting the urge to look over her shoulder to make sure that Garrus was all right. But she felt his hand on her back, almost shoving her, when they reached the shuttle, and she could feel his eyes searing angrily into her back. She vaulted up into the shuttle and sat, turning to face him, but the look he gave her surprised her and silenced her almost immediately.

“Shepard,” Garrus growled, “why would you just stop like that?”

“ _I’m_ the commander, and I’m responsible for this crew. I’m not going to leave my squad behind.”

Beside her, Mordin inhaled sharply and his eyes darted worriedly between Shepard and Garrus. Garrus glared at him and Mordin stiffened visibly, but Shepard could see the wheels turning in Mordin’s brain.

“And I’m not going to leave _you_ behind!” Garrus asserted, his voice low and predatory.

Shepard tensed and returned the stare. She didn’t know what to say: in a way, she was upset at his blatant insubordination and the fact that he was merging personal business with their professional duty. But, she couldn’t hide the fact that she was also incredibly turned on, and the memory of their intensely fierce first ‘meeting’ after Omega danced in her mind, sending a warm feeling throughout her body, making her desire for him spike. She shook her head.

 _Focus, Shepard_.

She inhaled and continued to meet Garrus’ eyes. “We’ll discuss this later,” she said, though she knew that the whole discussion part of it would have to wait while she made him pay for it in more ways than one.


	11. Nightmares

Garrus was inside of the Collector ship, alone, with only the sound of his own breath inside of his mask to keep him company. His Mantis was at the ready, and he moved through the ship as if he knew where he was going. He didn't, but his feet kept moving and he was along for the ride.

The pods on the wall in front of him loomed, and as he got closer, he saw that they had all burst open. Bodies were hanging out of them, limbs sprawled, mouths open and foaming, and blood running from their eyes and ears. He quickened his pace, intending to run past the pods and block the images from his mind, but it was a passing glance at one of the pods that made him stop and take notice. 

Hanging out of one of the pods directly in front of him was Miranda Lawson, her perfect body contorted, and her limbs twisted, bruised, and obviously broken. Her face was stuck in an expression of utter agony, her mouth stuck in a silent scream, and her blue eyes were open with tears of blood streaking her cheeks. She was dead. 

Bile rose in his throat as he looked at the other pods on the wall, and horror set in as he realized that the bodies hanging out of the pods all belonged to people he knew, people he'd befriended, people he respected, people he loved. His heart rate sped up furiously as he scanned the pods, terrified as the faces of his sister, his father, his mother, his squad, and the Normandy's crew stared lifelessly back at him. 

But... where was Shepard?

"Ughhhhh," a low moan from the ground beside him made him jump, and he turned to see Joker stuffed into a pod, his face bruised and bloodied. 

"Joker! It's okay. I'll help you," he cried, rushing towards the man and kneeling beside the pod. 

"Garrus... no... too late for me," Joker sputtered, foamy blood running from his mouth.

"No it's not. Joker, stay with me. Where's Shepard?"

Joker's bloodshot eyes met Garrus' and the pilot opened his cracked lips and whispered, "Gone."

Then Joker's eyes closed and his body went limp. 

"Garrus!" 

He leapt to his feet and stood completely still, straining to hear the faint scream again.

It was louder this time, echoing throughout the ship: "GARRUS!"

It was Shepard; he was sure of it. His adrenaline spiked and he began to run towards the voice, but each time she screamed out his name, it sounded as if it was coming from the opposite direction that he was running. 

"Shepard! Where are you? Tell me where you are!" Garrus shouted. 

"GARRUS!" Shepard's voice screamed again.

"Tell me where you are!" he shouted, stopping in his tracks to get his bearings. 

But she didn't scream out again. All he could hear was silence. 

"Shepard? Shepard, answer me!"

Silence. 

"Damn it!"

Garrus took off running towards the pods with the crew at full speed, his weapon holstered and his heart racing. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he certainly wasn't going to leave before he found out if Shepard was alive. He wouldn't leave her to die... not here, not now m.

As he rounded the corner to where the pods had been, his breath hitched and he skidded to a stop. The pods and the crew were gone, and where Joker had been was a group of geth and Collectors, standing in a circle and staring at something on the ground. Garrus took cover and drew his rifle. 

He peeked out of cover in time to see the spike impale a human body and send it shooting up towards the roof of the ship, blood bursting from the chest and instantly staining the ground red. The Collectors and geth then turned to face him, simultaneously bursting into flame and smouldering to ashes on the ground. 

Garrus emerged from cover and walked cautiously towards the body, trying to see it's face. The spike retracted, dropping the body to the ground with a deafening thud.   

It was Shepard.

*** 

He sat up straight in the bed, gasping for air and trying not to vomit. His hand grasped for the warm, fleshy body beside him and his heart slowed as his fingers raked across her back. Shepard groaned and stirred, pushing his hand away and rolling over. 

Garrus swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat upright, cradling his head in his hands and willing the horrific, lasting images from his nightmare to leave. But he could still see them: the faces of the crew in the Collector pods, the spurt of blood as the spike entered Shepard's chest, and the way her body fell limp to the ground. 

He looked over his shoulder at the sleeping Shepard, her long black hair cascading in waves over the pillow, and he found himself calming down with each rise and fall of her chest. She was still here, she was still breathing... she was alive.

He was much too-wired to go back to sleep, and he needed to distract himself from his nightmare, so he got dressed and snuck out of Shepard's cabin for the main battery, slumping against the elevator wall as the images from his nightmare continued to roll in his brain. Garrus wasn't sure why, but he felt... guilty. 

He walked out of the elevator and turned the corner towards the battery and almost ran into Jacob.

"Vakarian? What are you doing up?"

"Jacob. Sorry, didn't see you there. Just needing to clear my head." 

"I can understand that. Heard it got pretty dicey on the Collector ship."

"Yeah," Garrus shuddered, "gave me nightmares."

Jacob looked at him sadly. "I know how that is. You okay?"

"I will be."

"Is Shepard all right?"

"As far as I know."

Jacob leaned against the wall, and sighed, "She's... different than I thought she'd be."

"What do you mean?" Garrus asked, happy for the distraction. Jacob seemed like he wanted to chat, and Garrus was looking for anything to take his mind off of his nightmare. 

"Well, I'd heard horror stories about the Commander and how ruthless she was. They were just rumours mostly, but they were consistent on the fact that Shepard was cold and calculating. But... knowing her now... I just don't know."

Garrus nodded. "She can be ruthless and cold, sure. When I first met her, she had little regard for anything, though I still think that I got to see a softer side than anyone else. But, she's changed... and then she hasn't. Shepard's been through so much, and I don't think that she's really had time to take stock for herself and figure out exactly where she's at."

Jacob smiled at him, "You mean if she's going to be bitchy or compassionate?"

"In simple terms... yeah, I guess. Though 'bitchy' isn't fair, Jacob."

"Right, right, I almost forgot you two were sleeping together."

Garrus lowered his eyes to the floor, not sure whether to feel embarrassment or pride.

"Tell me, Vakarian, how long have you been in love with her?"

Garrus looked Jacob in the eye, and crossed his arms over his chest. "That's personal."

Jacob laughed, "Yeah, not when it's written all over your face."

Garrus stared at him.

"Tali said that you've been infatuated with Shepard since you met her back in 2183. Anything ever happen between you two back then?"

“Tali’s got a big mouth,” Garrus replied curtly.

Jacob threw up his hands and laughed, “Okay, okay, Vakarian, you don’t have to get all defensive. Just trying to get a sense of who Shepard is. She’s so closed off that I haven’t been able to get a good read on her.”

Garrus gave the man a long, searching look before finally saying, “Do yourself a favour, Jacob: don’t try.”

"All right, man. Whatever you say; you know her best."

"Yeah," Garrus whispered as if he was trying to convince himself, "I do."


	12. What Lies Beneath

Shepard stared at herself, fully naked in the mirror. She could hear the rhythmic snoring of Garrus in the bedroom, and she smiled slightly to herself.

The smile reversed into a frown, however, when she refocused on her reflection. It wasn't that she had low self-esteem: she knew that she was strong and she was proud that her body showed the results of all of the years of hard training. It was that she was looking at her body, her scars glowing wildly, and feeling as if it didn't belong completely to her anymore.

Of course, it was silly, but it was something that she just couldn't shake. It was overwhelming and confusing, and it was becoming just a little distracting. To have woken up from the dead, though she didn't remember the exact moment she'd died, and to be injected right back into it without any sort of grace period... well, it was so much to take in. Shepard _felt_ that she was the same person as before, more or less, but she now felt that her body belonged to Cerberus: to Miranda and the Illusive Man. 

It was different than what she knew of owing your life to someone: she'd been in many a firefight and she wasn't sure how many unnamed marines she owed her life to, or how many owed their life to her. Hell, how many times had Garrus sniped her would-be killer? It was likely too many to count, but it was part of being a marine - it was the job. 

But this? This was different, somehow. She'd been resurrected, but it was like a child that had been born with a job: there was hardly any time to grow. But, she did feel like she was growing, at least in the sense of becoming a better person which had never been an issue to her before. She'd always been the get in, get it done, get out kind of person, even before her military days and when it came to _all_ aspects of her life, but now she found herself less quick to snap and less willing to sacrifice what she wouldn't have thought twice about before. Shit, at the centre of all of it, maybe she was still that scared little girl from Mindoir, but she had layer after layer of metaphorical armour keeping that girl hidden and tucked away. Only when she was alone or, sometimes, with Garrus did she pull back the veil and let Mindoir Shepard peek out. 

It was tough fighting two wars: the war with the Collectors and Reapers, and the war within herself. 

Suddenly, the door to her bathroom slid open and Garrus stood there sleepily, naked himself. He stretched, and she found herself letting her eyes linger on him. As much as she had enjoyed a good fuck from human males before she'd met Nihlus, she'd never truly experienced sex the way she believed it was supposed to be until she'd been with a turian. It was something about the way their bodies curved in all the right places, the way they had a slightly intoxicating musky scent, and the way that they became primal, dominant  _males_  in bed made her tingle from her head to her toes. It was the only time she'd let herself be the submissive one, but she wouldn't say that she'd ever been vulnerable... until Garrus. She lost herself completely when she was with him, which was an intoxicating experience in herself. But it scared her endlessly at the same time and it made her weak, a feeling that she hated, so she tucked it away, only allowing the amalgamation of emotions to bubble up and burst out of her, usually at the most inopportune moments. 

But, yes, while the sex with Nihlus had been mind-blowing, it was whatever hold Garrus had on her that made being with him earth-shatteringly incredible. 

Shepard smiled at Garrus. "Hey. I didn't wake you did I?"

"Nah, my omnitool got a message and woke me up. I noticed you weren't beside me. Are you just standing here staring at yourself?"

She chuckled and nodded her head. "Basically. Just contemplating the enormity of the universe and having an existential crisis. So, you know, the usual."

Garrus smiled and shook his head at her. "Well, I can't say I blame you. I could stand here and admire you all night."

Shepard stiffened, but his comment hit her right in the heart. There it was: the difference between him and Nihlus. Nihlus had loved her, there was no doubt about that, but it was a convenient, 'life in the fast lane' kind of love. The forbidden fruit kind of love: addictive and intense, but, ultimately, Nihlus loved being a Spectre more than he loved her and she loved being the ruthless space renegade more than she'd loved him. 

But Garrus  _loved_  her. In the 'step in front of a bullet for you', 'thinks the sun shines out of your ass' kind of love. Shepard was pretty certain that he'd thought the sun shined out of her ass for a long time now, but she was still having a hard time figuring out just  _why_  he felt that way about her. Hard-ass, oft-bitchy, whiplash personality Nora Shepard, who was really just a scared little girl from Mindoir, was the woman that Garrus Vakarian, one of the bravest, most selfless, and caring men she'd ever met, had chosen. 

It made her want to run. It made her want to tell him to forget it, because everyone that had ever been close to her had got hurt, and she couldn't bear it if anything happened to him. She scolded herself momentarily for allowing this affair to happen: damn, she should have just gone home with Gavorn that night and kept Garrus at a distance and as a friend only. It would save her from all of this turmoil. 

She looked over at him in the doorway and he gave her another sweet smile, and she felt her knees buckle slightly, the fear and doubt that had just swarmed her head like a million Seekers dissipating instantly. She'd been wrong: it was here, smiling back at him, was where she was meant to be. The fire was lit, and although the struggle within herself was colossal, she could feel the fire burning away at it like a controlled forest fire. In it's wake, it was leaving new growth that was lush and beautiful and peaceful. 

Shepard walked towards Garrus and kissed him deeply. "Right back at you."

He pulled her into him and she jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

"Nora..." Garrus murmured against her mouth.

"Mm?"

"I have to tell you something."

"Okay," she said, dropping her legs from his waist. 

"I got a lead on Sidonis. I know where we can find him."

Shepard pulled back, her eyes wide, and studied his face. The smile had faded and his eyes were wild, and she knew that she wasn't the only one who was carrying some extra baggage underneath the "I've got this all under control" facade. She understood the need for closure, but her understanding of vengeance and bloodlust was slowly fading, but, when it came to Sidonis, Garrus was fueled solely by bloodlust and vengeance.

"I can finally end this," Garrus murmured, his eyes flaring.

She nodded slowly, at war with herself yet again. 

"Where do we find him?"


	13. Betrayal Repaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for canon-divergence here: this is a big twist on this scene. All dialogue not written by me belongs to Bioware.

Shepard felt sick, but it was a new feeling of nausea for her; the feeling of nerves, adrenaline, and fear mixing together inside and twisting her stomach violently, representing the struggle that was going on inside of her, and all because she was sitting beside a very determined, homicidal Garrus Vakarian in the shuttle towards where they were about to meet Sidonis.

The nausea had built steadily throughout the course of their mission, especially when she’d let Garrus shoot Harkin, and it had now reached a fever pitch as she traded words with Garrus in the shuttle to the meeting point. She was challenging him now because she felt oddly guilty over not stopping him from shooting Harkin, and because she felt like she was desperately trying to save the man that she knew Garrus was from becoming… well, from becoming like her. Or, at least, who she used to be.

In her peripherals, she could see Miranda shift uncomfortably in the back seat as Garrus’s voice began to rise in volume and anger:

“What do you want from me, Shepard?” he hissed, not meeting her eye, “What would you do if someone betrayed you?”

The question hit her in the gut and brought up bile into her throat, and she winced as she swallowed it back. She sat there, silent, looking down at her hands, lost in her thoughts. She didn’t want to lie to him, but she didn’t want to leave the door open for him to join her in the world of inner turmoil; everything inside her head told her that he would become harder and angrier than he was if he killed Sidonis and that he would forever harbor guilt in shooting him. When they’d first met and went after Fist, she’d let some maintenance workers go and he’d expressed surprise, but Williams had told him then that shooting people wasn’t always the answer. Even with Dr. Saleon, she’d tried to show the crazed doctor mercy for Garrus’ benefit (she’d surprised herself with this act of mercy – in retrospect, perhaps this was due to her budding feelings for Garrus even back then).

So, she wasn’t sure whether to continue with this line of thinking and prevent Garrus from killing Sidonis since she hadn’t exactly led by example in other aspects, and the fact that she truly didn’t know what she’d do if she was betrayed was worrying her, too. ‘Old’, pre-spaced Shepard would have shot the betrayer, point-blank, between the eyes and then left the body to rot without a second glance, the ‘new’, reconstructed Shepard didn’t know, and the part of her that was in love with Garrus didn’t want to see him hurt: the question was, though, if Garrus would come out of this hurt whether he killed Sidonis or not.

 _Fuck_ , Shepard thought to herself, _why isn’t anything ever simple?_

“I don’t know,” she finally answered Garrus, “but I wouldn’t let it change me.”

Garrus looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head, and his grip tightened visibly on the steering wheel. “Are you kidding?” he snapped, “You’re the poster-child for change.”

“Exactly. Before I got spaced, you know I wouldn’t have thought twice about killing someone who betrayed me, but now… well, I _don’t know_ , Garrus. Sometimes shooting people isn’t always the answer.”

“Shit, you sound like Williams,” he sighed, “I would have said the same thing before it happened to me. Who’s going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don’t? Nobody else knows what he’s done. Nobody else cares. I don’t see any other option.”

Shepard sympathized with him: she truly did, and seeing him like this was painful for her, but she didn’t want him to walk around with this on his shoulders. One way or another, this ended here, today, but perhaps she could help ease the burden on Garrus so he didn't have to carry it all himself.

“Let me talk to him,” she said simply.

Garrus leaned back and sighed again, “Talk all you want, but it won’t change my mind. I _don’t care_ what his reasons were; he screwed us, he deserves to die.”

“Garrus…”

He held up a silencing hand, and Shepard heard a slight gasp escape from Miranda’s lips behind her. “I appreciate your concern,” he replied, “but I’m not you.”

“You’re acting exactly like the way I would have before!” she exclaimed, leaning forward and giving him a sharp look. “This isn’t  _you,_ either.”

They had landed and Garrus ignored her, instead scanning the area for a good sniper perch. “I can get a good sightline from over there.”

Shepard sighed, giving up. “What do you want me to do?”

“Keep him talking. I’ll let you know when I’ve got a shot.”

She nodded and took off, her eyes meeting Garrus’s as she drove past him. A terrible thought hit her then: perhaps Garrus was experiencing the same thing the she was – the battle inside between old and new. Her ‘new’ was like how she remembered Garrus: kind, forgiving, compassionate, slightly misguided, but malleable. Her ‘old’ was Garrus’s ‘new’: he was Archangel, the unforgiving, hard, and angry vigilante out for vengeance and blood. It made her mouth run dry.

As Shepard landed the car, and she and Miranda exited the vehicle silently, she saw the turian she assumed was Sidonis sitting right outside of Orbital Lounge. Her breath hitched, and the nausea crept back into her body: he looked nervous, sitting there in casual wear, tapping his foot on the ground… he looked like a normal turian. But, she reminded herself, this was the turian that was responsible for the deaths of ten other people and almost Garrus’s - Sidonis's betrayal had almost caused the death of the man she loved most. How could it have gone _so_ sideways? How could Sidonis have, presumably, started out with such noble intentions and then abandoned them so quickly? Shepard knew there was likely more to the story: not everything was simply black and white – or red, when it came to Garrus’s view of Sidonis – but they’d entered a grey area that was making her feel blind.

Garrus confirmed, “ _There he is. Wave him over and keep him talking_.”

Shepard inconspicuously caught Sidonis’ eye and he walked over to her nervously.

“Let’s get this over with,” Sidonis said, his eyes darting around the area.

 _“I’ve got a shot,”_ Garrus said in her ear, _“Move.”_

Her heart was pounding, she was sweating, and she felt close to vomiting, but she stayed calm as she stood her ground: she had to hear what happened. “Listen, Sidonis, I’m here to help you.”

Sidonis looked at her in shock. “Don’t ever say that name aloud!” he hissed.

“I’m a… friend of Garrus’. Plainly put, he wants you dead, but I’m hoping that’s not necessary,” she breathed, the nausea calming a bit.

Sidonis’ eyes got wider. “ _Garrus?_ Is this some kind of joke…?”

_“Move, Shepard!”_

She ignored Garrus on her comm, and nodded back at Sidonis.

“You’re not kidding? Screw this… I’m not sticking around to find out. Tell Garrus I had my own problems,” Sidonis said, looking nauseous himself.

He turned to leave, but she grabbed him without thinking. “Don’t move. I’m the only thing that’s standing between you and a hole in the head.”

Shepard didn’t exactly know why she was doing this, the whole mercy thing. Part of her wanted to step aside, let Archangel get his vengeance and move on; part of her wanted to beat the living shit out of Sidonis for looking after his ‘own problems’ when ten good men lay in unmarked graves; the other part of her was begging her to keep digging – to find the light in the grey haze.

“Fuck,” Sidonis said, looking defeated.

 _“What are you doing, Shepard?”_ Garrus asked in her ear, his voice cracking slightly. " _Get out of the way!"_

“Look, I didn’t want to do it,” Sidonis continued, “They came after me. Said they’d kill me if I didn’t help! What choice did I have?”

_“Everyone has a choice, Sidonis.”_

Shepard didn’t say anything, but kept her head in line with Sidonis’s as the man began to pace.

“I wake up every night, sick and sweating. Each of their faces accusing me. I don’t sleep, food has no taste,” Sidonis sighed and leaned against the railing, “Some days I just want it to be over.”

Shepard jerked visibly as she was rocked by a flashback, suddenly remembering what her father had told her after she’d stepped on a toad back as a child on Mindoir. The toad had laid there, half-squished, writhing and croaking, and she’d cried over it on her knees, not knowing what to do. She'd wanted so badly to save it, but her gut was telling her that there was nothing she could do for the little amphibian. Her father had come over to her, placed a strong, calloused hand on her shoulder, and made her stand up to hug him. Then, he’d stamped down hard on the toad. She’d screamed at her father, asking him why he’d done it, and he’d simply replied, “Sometimes it’s more humane to put things that cannot be saved out of their misery. A quick death is easier on a soul than a slow, painful one, even on something as small and slimy as a toad.”

The lesson to be learned, she finally realized, was perhaps mercy was two-fold. She felt the nausea abate completely within her, but her brain was still churning out jumbled thoughts: was this part of the ‘old’ or ‘new’ Shepard’s way of doing things? Was this _actually_ mercy or was it simply vengeance? She shook her head free and looked back at Sidonis, a mixture of pity and anger washing over her. Perhaps misery didn't need Sidonis for company anymore. 

“Sounds like you’ve made your choice,” she said, stepping to the side.

“No more sleepless nights,” Sidonis said, standing up straight and turning towards her. He closed his eyes and breathed out a long sigh, undoubtedly of relief, waiting for the execution shot.

But it never came. The seconds ticked by until a full two minutes had passed and then Sidonis turned to Shepard, a fearful and questioning look in his eyes. “Why hasn’t he shot me?” he whispered.

“Garrus? I’m clear,” Shepard hissed, “Take the shot!”

There was no reply.

“Garrus, please,” Sidonis begged, “put me out of my misery.”

Her comms were silent for a tick, until Garrus’s voice cracked on the other end, _“Shepard, I-I can’t.”_

“What do you mean you _can’t_?”

_“I can’t do it. Let him go.”_

Her mouth dropped open and she turned to Miranda, “Send a message to EDI. We’re going to need all surveillance footage from this area wiped.”

Miranda nodded and headed off towards the car.

“What’s going on?” Sidonis asked, his voice wavering.

Shepard turned and looked at him and she was instantly reminded again of the toad she’d stepped on so many years ago. Sidonis was standing there, suffering, miserable, and barely living, waiting for the freedom of death. Slowly, she looked down and brandished her pistol, a fleeting thought hitting her then: perhaps it wasn't her place to take his life, but she couldn't leave him there, writhing and croaking and squished. She would take on the burden of ending Sidonis's life and add to the growing red stain on her ledger, and Garrus could live freely knowing he'd been forgiving and merciful, but that Sidonis wasn't walking free anymore. 

“Stay right there,” she said, “count to five, take a deep breath, and relax.”

He nodded at her and closed his eyes again, standing straight in the middle of the street, as she slipped into the shadows and out of sight. She checked the sightlines of the visible surveillance cameras and then raised her pistol, levelling it at Sidonis’s head. She shot once, the bullet entering his right temple and exiting out of the other side – a clean, through shot – and Sidonis collapsed in immediate death, his blue blood beginning to pool around him on the street as civilians screamed and ran for cover.

She ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to you all for sticking with this and for the encouraging and helpful comments and, of course, the kudos. This has been a toughie to write and really dive in to the conflict that Shepard feels and the more dramatic, slightly angsty twist on the Shepard/Garrus relationship, and then express it all in words. However, I finally have a clear outline of where this story is going now - yay! Hope I keep you reading and coming back to this story. Thank you for hanging in there :)


	14. Grey

It had felt like everything had happened in slow motion; he was still staring through his scope at Sidonis, finally having the man that had betrayed him in his sights, his finger tight around the trigger, and hearing Shepard’s voice in his head. He should’ve known: Shepard was always in his head.

_This isn’t you._

As he heard Sidonis speak to Shepard, he’d felt anger rise in his gut, but then he found he pitied the man. Sidonis was already dead anyways – it just didn’t matter anymore if Garrus was the one to end his pathetic existence… not to Garrus anymore at least.

 _Leave him in the hell he made_ was what Shepard had said to Jacob after they’d found Ronald Taylor on Aeia, and it had made sense to Garrus then, so why couldn’t he apply the same logic to this situation with Sidonis? Sidonis was living in hell – the hell that he’d made for himself, and Garrus could contently leave him in it. It surprised him: his waking hours had been consumed with murderous, vengeful thoughts about Sidonis, imagining the relief that would flow through him as he watched Sidonis’s head explode, and the ghosts of his squad that were haunting him would finally be at rest.

But he just couldn’t do it: he couldn’t pull the trigger.

 _“I can’t do it,_ ” he’d told Shepard, _“Let him go.”_

He could hear her gasp in his comms and he hung his head. He’d put her through all of this to find Sidonis, and now he had changed his mind; somehow, he knew that she’d prepared herself for it. But, he hadn’t prepared himself for her to stand in his way, to talk to Sidonis and hear his story, and he hadn’t been prepared to be unable to execute the man.

Garrus turned off his comms and turned up the music on his visor, sighing in contentment as “Die For the Cause” rang through his head. He began to walk back to the rendezvous point, lost in his thoughts, the anthem blaring in his ears, mixed feelings of guilt, grief, and relief washing over him; he was so engrossed in what was going on inside his head that he didn’t hear the gunshot ring out in the street behind him, or the screams of the civilians as they ran from the shooter.

He waited at the rendezvous point for a few minutes, leaning against his rifle, until Shepard raced up in the car. She parked it hastily and then shot out of the car, out of breath. "Hey."

"Hey," he replied.

"You okay?"

"I'm good."

She nodded silently, not meeting his eye. Finally, she said, "Can you put this behind you now?"

“I think so. It's just... when I had him in my sights, I couldn’t do it,” Garrus mumbled, "Shepard, I'm sorry to make you come all this way for nothing."

Shepard softened visibly and finally looked at him. “The lines between good and evil blur when we’re looking at someone we know.”

“There was still good in him: I could see it.”

Shepard stood there, not saying anything, but gave him a curt nod.

“It’s so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey… I don’t know what to do with grey,” he said softly. He rolled his shoulders and cracked his head. “Let’s get the hell out of here. I need to distance myself from this place.”

“Right with you,” she replied.

****

The console was beckoning to him, and he’d tried to distract himself with calibrations, but he was so restless that even calibrations couldn’t take his mind off of things. He felt complete about Sidonis, but there was still a tiny bit of his brain that was chiding him for letting the traitor go. 

His mind was wracked with ‘what ifs’, but the soldier in him told him that the decision he’d made was the one he’d have to live with; he let Sidonis go – he’d shown mercy and compassion, and he’d allowed Sidonis to live another day. He just hoped that he wouldn’t regret it.

Garrus sighed and smoothed his fringe back, his eyes catching his Mantis laying on the weapon bench beside him. He’d dismantled and cleaned it like he always did after a mission, but this time had been different: nothing had been abnormal with the weapon, but it was when he discharged the unused bullet in the chamber he felt a slight pang of… hell, he didn’t know what emotion it was. Regret? No. Triumph? No… it was emptier than either of those things. Hollow? Yeah, that would have to do for now.

The door behind him slid open and he turned, expecting to see Shepard, but instead found himself surprised to see that Miranda had entered the room.

“Uh… Miranda?” he asked.

“Garrus,” she said smoothly.

“Can I help you?

“Do you have a minute?”

His heart lurched for a second as the familiar phrase slid off of her tongue. She said it so much like Shepard, but, of course, the accent was all wrong. Still, it was the same, contemplative, reserved way that Shepard said it, especially if she was going to speak with him about something difficult.

“Can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.”

Miranda seemed taken aback at first, but then she composed herself. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but then clamped it closed, a blush forming on her cheeks. The woman didn’t meet his eyes, and he got the distinct feeling that she was avoiding him.

“Miranda?” he asked again, trying to meet her eyes.

Finally, she looked up at him and smiled slightly. “Yes, it can wait. I... have forgotten what I wanted to say anyways.”

She turned on her heel and made her way out of the room, Garrus watching her leave, his confused look following her until the door slid shut.


	15. Secrets

The nausea was back, but it was crippling nausea this time, and Shepard felt as if her focus was completely fucked up; they'd just come back from Aequitas where she'd been a bumbling idiot and had to rely on Thane and Samara to fight off the never-ending waves of husks since she just couldn't damn well focus. 

Now, she sat on her bed, her head in her hands and her eyes on the ground, fighting back the sick feeling she had coursing through her. She'd never been so conflicted after shooting someone before, but Sidonis was another story. 

On one hand, she'd shot the man who had driven Garrus to become an angry, vengeful shell of who he had been: she'd put Sidonis out of his misery and, hopefully, set Garrus free. On the other, she'd shot the man that Garrus had told her to let go: he'd decided that Sidonis deserved a second chance and she'd gone and disregarded that decision. She wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision or the wrong one: if she could discern that, then maybe there wouldn't be so much turmoil within her, and perhaps the fucking nausea would just go away, but still it persisted. 

She wanted to tell Garrus desperately, but she was afraid to. Perhaps he wouldn't understand her reasoning for shooting Sidonis - she was saving both Garrus and Sidonis by allowing Garrus to walk away and leave Archangel and all of the shit he'd been through behind, and she had saved Sidonis from a slow, painful death. Perhaps Garrus just wouldn't understand that losing him was her greatest fear; losing him to Archangel or losing him to his own regrets over not killing Sidonis scared the shit out of her. It meant he'd be hurt, too, and she couldn't bear it when he was hurt. 

But these fears were also the reason that she hadn't told him. She could lose him by telling him, too. 

"You're being selfish, Shepard," she muttered to herself. She sat straight up and shook her head: she was a naval commander for fuck's sake, about to save the galaxy - again - and she needed to straighten up for her crew's sake. But, at least now she understood the reasoning behind her crew's needs to resolve their issues before they hit the Omega-4 Relay: it was more than distracting. 

Shepard stood up and began to study her fish, swimming lazily around the tank. One of the sunfish seemed to be staring at her, and it swam towards her cautiously, as if it were checking her out. She placed a single finger on the glass gently and sighed, "What would you do if you were me, little fish?"

The sunfish seemingly stared at her, expressionless, hovering in the same spot in the water as the other fish flew past it busily. 

"Yeah," she said, "I know. I fucked up again, didn't I?"

The fish stared. 

"I never meant for it to become so complicated! It just... did. And now there's a good chance that, no matter what, someone I love gets hurt," Shepard leaned her forehead against the glass, "I-“

“Shepard.”

The voice, coupled with the sound of her cabin door opening, made her jump, and she turned towards the door on full alert. She calmed when she saw that Miranda was standing there.

“Miranda. What can I do for you?”

“I’ve just been to see Garrus.”

Shepard’s stomach dropped, and the nauseous feeling intensified. She whipped around, her eyes searching her room for the nearest bin. “You _what_?”

“I didn’t tell him anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The nausea abated. “Thank you.”

“But _you_ need to.”

“I know.”

“You need to do it now.”

“ _I know_.”

Miranda sighed and dragged a slim hand through her perfect hair. Shepard crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at the other woman in annoyance: Miranda’s hair never seemed to get frizzy… _ever_.

Perhaps it was the biotics… but, then, Shepard was newly biotic and her hair always seemed to frizz and-

“Shepard!” Miranda snapped.

“What?”

“You need to tell him. There’s only so much that I can do to keep him from seeing the reports about Sidonis’ death. EDI and I have been working overtime to keep it from him and-“

“Okay, okay!” Shepard said, exasperated. She held her hands up in defense in front of her chest, crossing them again and sighing, “You’re right. I’m just trying to figure out how to word it properly. How do I tell him that I only did it to protect him?”

Miranda’s gaze softened and she gave Shepard a sympathetic look. “You tell him just that: it was to protect him.”

Shepard chuckled and turned away from Miranda, instead choosing to stare at her fish again. “If only it were that simple.”

“Garrus is a reasonable man,” Miranda assured her, placing a comforting hand on Shepard’s shoulder timidly, “he’ll understand.”

Shepard resisted the urge to shrug Miranda off, and allowed Miranda’s hand to stay there on her shoulder. It was oddly… comforting. She looked over her shoulder at Miranda, not surprised to see the look of trepidation on her face, and gave her a small smile. “If only it were that simple,” Shepard repeated.

*****

Shepard took a deep breath as she neared the gunnery, her heart pounding in her chest. In a way, she found it funny: after all the shit that she’d been through, and after all of the shit that she’d seen, this was the most nervous that she’d ever felt. But, then again, it was _Garrus_. He’d been the most solid, loyal, incredible person in her life and, even though he knew her – really _knew_ her – he loved her. He was the reflection of the good that was still present in the galaxy... the good that she knew was within herself, and, even though she knew that he’d always looked up to her and wanted to emulate her, she’d always tried to keep him from becoming like her. She’d tried to preserve his good, and encourage his compassionate nature so that he _didn’t_ end up like her… and it was exactly why she’d shot Sidonis. Maybe he’d understand that… hell, she was praying to the God that she didn’t believe in that he did.

As the door slid open and her eyes fell on his back, her heart jumped into her throat.

_Don’t vomit, Shepard. Not now. You can’t._

She swallowed and cleared her throat. He turned around and his mandibles flared in a massive smile as his eyes met hers.

“Shepard,” he breathed, moving towards her and wrapping his warms around her waist. He brought his mouth down towards hers to kiss her, but she jerked back suddenly, and he withdrew, confused.

“Garrus, I need to tell you something,” she began, but he put up his hand in a gentle, silencing way.

“It can wait,” he said gently.

Her mouth upturned in a smirk. “Why? Are you in the middle of some cali-“

He shut her up with a firm kiss to her mouth, and she felt her knees go weak in the way that they usually did. He tasted so… good. It was so comforting – it was like the feeling of coming home. But, suddenly, she remembered why she was there, and she jerked backwards again.

“Garrus, I-“ she tried again, but he put a finger to her lips.

“I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your help with Sidonis, and for… uh, not judging me for not being able to go through with it.”

“But, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, and-“

“Shepard,” he said, interrupting her again, “it’s over. I’m free.”

“Garrus-“

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s done.”

Shepard bit her lip, her heartrate picking up. She tilted her head to the side, trying to decide whether or not to just blurt it out, but he was looking at her with such love and adoration that she couldn’t bring herself to.

“Now, I’ve got some more work to do, but I’ll meet you upstairs in your quarters later, okay?” he said, jutting his chin towards the door in a decidedly human-like way. He bent down and put his lips to her cheek, and then turned back around and she heard his fingers begin to click on the console once more.

Shepard stood there for a minute, staring at his back, her feet planted to the ground; her heart was begging her to confess to him, but her gut was telling her to walk away – it wasn’t the time. She straightened up and turned around and walked out into the mess hall, her mind swimming and her stomach churning. Suddenly, a pair of black boots appeared in front of her, and her eyes travelled up the svelte, perfect physique of Miranda. The Cerberus agent was standing there in front of her, her arms crossed over her chest and her left eyebrow cocked.

“Did you tell him?” Miranda asked.

Shepard shook her head.

Miranda sighed and her shoulders drooped, “Okay, fine. I’ll have EDI keep blocking any news about Sidonis to his omnitool, and I’ll make sure to keep an eye on the C-Sec investigation.”

“Thank you,” Shepard said sheepishly. “I will tell him.”

Miranda gave her a searching look and said softly, “You don’t strike me as the kind of woman that lives with regrets, Commander. I sure hope that doesn’t change.”


	16. Samara

Shepard enjoyed speaking with Samara, and often found herself drawn to the asari’s quarters after a mission. She was growing to actually enjoy the woman’s stories and their chats as they stared out into the darkness, and a healthy fear (along with a healthy level of respect) had grown among the women.

She was glad that she’d chosen Samara over Morinth.

Samara delighted in relaying her stories to Shepard as well, and Shepard was almost certain that it was Samara’s way of “passing the legend along” if she didn’t survive their mission.

It was a shock, then, when Samara began to tell Shepard of her adventures; being a mercenary, destroying villages, and pursuing a Spectre.

“You pursued a Spectre?” Shepard asked incredulously.

Samara smiled. “Yes. A turian named Nihlus.”

Shepard’s heart jumped into her throat. She hadn’t heard this one; Nihlus had never told her of being pursued by an asari justicar. What a small world – galaxy – it was.

“He shot an unarmed civilian,” Samara continued, “and so I pursued him. We played cat and mouse in the wilderness for two weeks. He was good, but I finally caught up to him.”

“I… uh… worked with Nihlus,” Shepard stammered, unsure of what to say. It wasn’t that she was embarrassed of her relationship, but the surprise at what Samara was telling her was overwhelming.

Samara smiled again. “I had heard that it may have been more than that.”

Shepard blushed, embarrassed with herself now. “Yes. We were involved. But he never told me about an asari justicar… or shooting an unarmed civilian. He was a good turian and a better man. Reckless, yes, but it just doesn’t sound like Nihlus.”

“I believe that this was before you had met him. He was young – a brand new Spectre – if I recall.”

“So, obviously you both walked away from the encounter.”

“Yes, he used my Code against me. I always respected that. He was a cunning and formidable opponent.”

Shepard smiled to herself and looked down at her feet, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Talk of Nihlus was causing her to reminisce, and old feelings were coming up for her again. It was uncomfortable and unwelcome and surprising.

“He certainly was cunning. If anything else,” Shepard chuckled.

Samara gave her a searching look. “We spend much of our time here together speaking about me. I appreciate our talks and your willingness to listen, but I feel as if we do not speak about you.”

“There isn’t much to know about me,” Shepard shrugged.

“I beg to differ, Commander. I can see that you are a hardened woman, shaped by what has happened to you. You put up a wall to keep people out because you fear that, if they get too close, they will be harmed. You push people away with harsh words and criticisms, but then you put yourself between harm and them because you truly care for them. But I cannot understand why you do this. Does it have something to do with Nihlus?”

Shepard sighed. She really wanted to tell Samara to shove it and stop trying to understand her; hell, she barely understood herself these days, but a bitchy remark would only prove that Samara was right.

“Possibly,” Shepard managed to say.

“I sense that this is a difficult topic for you. I apologize if I overstepped my bounds. If you are not willing to speak about it, then I understand.”

“No, it’s just… I joined the Alliance because I knew that I would lay my life on the line for anyone, civilian or comrade. I thought that I could save them all, but I never could. I have always failed. I try so hard to protect them, but then I either lose them or make a rash decision that doesn’t turn out. I failed Nihlus. I failed Kaidan. I failed Wrex. I may have completely failed Garrus. Because I let them get close to me.”

Samara gave her a sympathetic look. “You have _not_ failed anyone, Shepard.”

“Haven’t I?” Shepard snapped, and then glanced at Samara apologetically. “If I’d just told Nihlus to wait. If I’d just sent someone with him then maybe Saren wouldn’t have caught him off-guard. I could have _saved_ him. I should have talked Wrex down and been more aware of where Ash was… it didn’t have to end that way! And Kaidan… if I’d only been smarter with my tactics. I should have sent a team to him. But I just _stood_ there like a fucking idiot, and then I chose Ash. Don’t you see, Samara? I _failed_ them. I fucking failed.”

“None of us would exist if you did not continue to make the decisions that you have. You have been dealt a very difficult hand, my friend, and you are simply playing the cards in the best way you know how.”

“What if I play the wrong cards? Isn’t that what I’ve been doing this whole time? What if the people who deserve the best get the worst?” Shepard choked, blinking back tears. No, she would not cry. Not now.

“That is the folly of life in normal circumstances, and we are beyond normal circumstances now,” Samara replied after a long pause, “I will not tell you that it will be easy, or that everyone will return alive, but I believe I speak for all of us when I tell you that we are not here because we knew it would be easy. We are not here for glory or selfish desires to be heroes, but because we follow one. We know that you would die for justice and for what is right, and we can only hope to emulate that. If I do not make it out of the Collector Base alive, then I go to the afterlife knowing that I was a part of something _good_ … something right.”

Shepard straightened up and nodded at Samara, eternally grateful for her soothing words of patience and kindness. Shepard knew that she didn’t deserve it; the faith and trust that the seasoned asari warrior was putting in her was inspiring and all, but Shepard couldn’t help but feel it was slightly misplaced. Nihlus and Kaidan had place their trust and faith in her, too, and she couldn’t save them. It was their faces that haunted her each time she closed her eyes, and she wasn’t keen on adding any more. She couldn’t imagine being without Garrus or Tali or Joker or even Miranda. She felt the pressure begin to press in on her, as if the walls were closing in on her, but she took a deep breath and pushed her arms out to the sides as if to shove the imaginary walls away.

“Thank you, Samara,” Shepard whispered, “But no one is dying. Not if I can help it.”

“You are a remarkable woman,” Samara murmured softly, staring out into the great void in front of them, the stars glittering in the distance, “And I am pleased to stand, and fall, beside you.”


	17. Speeches (or Lack Thereof)

He saw the wound before Shepard did; the hole leaking the tell-tale red quarian blood all over Tali’s fingers as she clutched her stomach, slumping against the wall. He saw the look on Shepard’s face as she rushed towards Tali, catching the falling woman in her arms, and then he saw the tears streaming down Shepard’s face as Tali’s head fell, her chin slumping to her chest. He watched, frozen in shock himself, as Shepard shook the quarian by her shoulders, screaming her name, her eyes wild and her scars glowing fiercely.

They all stood there, unable to move, the loss of Jacob still fresh and raw in their minds, and now tried to wrap their heads around the fact that the spunky quarian was gone. Shepard knelt by Tali’s body, her face twisted with anger and utter grief, and then she stood and turned away from where Tali lay and rolled her shoulders, closed her eyes, and repeated a silent prayer to herself.

Garrus watched as Shepard’s gun closed tighter around her gun, and she stared up at the pods all around them, her teeth clenched and her face now red with anger. He took a step towards her, his hand resting gently on her shoulder for a moment, and then Miranda sobbed, “We have to keep going, no matter who we’ve lost. We’re almost there.”

He expected Shepard to snap at Miranda, but she silently nodded at her. He watched the back of her head carefully as she walked in front of him, silently praying to himself that she wouldn’t do anything reckless, but the thought made him crack a smile: reckless was Shepard’s middle name. The smile surprised him. He was beyond furious, and he clutched his weapon as tightly as Shepard did, wanting to unload it into the heads of the monsters that had ripped his friend away from him. Tali didn’t deserve it. Jacob hadn’t deserved it. The colonists hadn’t deserved it.

Garrus felt bile rise in his throat as the recent memory of the colonist being pulverized in the pod flashed in his mind, her screams joining the chorus in his head, the voices of his squad, of Sidonis, Jacob, Tali…

Shepard jumped up onto the platform in front of them, the sound of her boots on the metal interrupting his thoughts. The ghost of sadness flitted across her face briefly, and then he saw the mask slip over her face and she stood over them, her hands clasped behind her back… their Commander. Their leader. Their hero.

“We don’t have time for speeches,” she announced in a gravelly voice, “I’ll take a small team with me to the central chamber, and the rest will stay here and defend this door. When the charge has been set, I’ll radio for you to get the fuck out.”

She jutted her chin towards Miranda and Jack, and gave Garrus a pointed look. He saw regret and grief in her eyes, and he shook his head at her.

“No, Shepard. I’m coming with you.”

“You’re needed here.”

“We’re in this together. I fight at your side.”

“Don’t argue, Garrus. If I fall, then you have to keep fighting, got it?”

He stomped towards the platform and stared up at her. “I fight at your side,” he repeated aggressively.

And then, in a very un-Shepard way, she bent down onto one knee and grabbed him by the back of his head, kissing him fiercely and passionately, her mouth lingering on his as she opened her eyes. “I love you,” she whispered.

Garrus didn’t say it back, but placed his hand on her arm and held it there, their foreheads pressed together. He couldn’t say it back to her, not because he didn’t want to or because he didn’t mean it, but because it was much too close to “goodbye.”

She stood back up and pulled her gun from its holster on her hip and brandished it, hissing, “Make these fuckers pay. Every life they took from us we repay ten-fold, got it?”

Grunt pumped his shotgun and hit his chest happily. “Is there such a thing as twenty-fold?”

Shepard smiled down at him, and then the platform began to move. Garrus watched as it carried her away, her eyes never leaving his, until she was just a speck. Rage and fear surged through him as he turned to the door the Collectors had almost made their way through.

“You heard the Commander,” he yelled, levelling his scope at the opening in the door, “We make them pay!”

*****

Garrus had never felt weak before, but when the elevator doors opened to the CIC and he watched Joker and Shepard race toward the cockpit from the airlock, he felt as if he could have fallen to his knees and praised the Spirits or, hell, even whatever human God Ashley had gone on and on about back on the SR-1, that she had made it.

“Get us out of here!” he heard Shepard yell at Joker.

He felt the SR-2 power up underneath him, and then braced himself as the frigate propelled herself towards the Relay, the windows around him lighting up as the Collector Base exploded behind them. He saw Shepard look over her shoulder at him, her eyes wide with fear, but then he saw her body relax as she spotted him, her face breaking out into a smile. The moment went suspended for what felt like an eternity, the two separated only by the CIC, and then she was thrown to the ground as the shockwave from the explosion rocked the Normandy.

“Come on, EDI!” Garrus heard Joker yell, and then the strained sound of the engines and EDI’s calm response. The glow in the windows started to fade, and then the Normandy gradually began to sail smoothly through space, and the entire atmosphere changed on the ship as if she’d breathed a sigh of relief.

They’d made it.


	18. Mo(u)rning

Shepard stared down at the blank screen in front of her, unable to form thoughts in her mind. She was wracked with grief as she tried to compose the email that she had never wanted to send to let Kal'Reegar know that Tali was dead. She was still having a hard time letting the reality sink in that her best friend was gone, but it had already been three days since the Collector Base, and she couldn't put off sending this message any longer. 

Dealing with Jacob's death, though she hated to admit it, had been easier to deal with. He had no family left to notify, and she hadn't known him as long, but she'd still felt the weight of his loss after she'd walked into the armoury a day ago and he hadn't been there. Miranda had mourned him privately, of course, but her grief had radiated through the walls and enveloped the entire crew. 

They’d eaten silently in the mess hall, barely making eye contact with each other, until Kasumi had broken down into tears loudly in front of them all. They’d swept her up in comforting words, and then they’d each allowed themselves to cry alongside her… everyone except Shepard. She had wanted to cry with them all, but she hadn’t allowed herself to: she was supposed to be their immovable centre, their rock, and she couldn’t break down in front of them. She’d excused herself when it became too much.

With Garrus, however, it was different, and she was eternally grateful to him for holding her through each dark night, comforting her in only the way he could, telling her that it wasn’t her fault, and reassuring her that it was going to be okay. The Collectors were gone, and it was going to be okay. He’d let her pummel his chest with her fists, allowing her to hit him as hard as she needed to until she fell asleep, exhausted, in his arms. She wasn’t certain if he’d slept himself, but he’d told her that all he needed was her in his arms, being able to smell her hair and remind himself that she was still there.

Each morning, even though she awoke in his arms, she felt the weight of her new reality upon her... a reality that no longer included her best friend.

The door to her cabin slid open, jerking her back to reality, and she turned to see Garrus enter. He looked exhausted.

“Are you all right?”

“I’d rather not rebuild the Normandy in a vacuum,” he chuckled, “but we were able to repair one of the holes in the hull. Donnelly is worth more than his weight in gold, I tell you. And Jack was _helpful_ today; she lifted this massive piece of metal and held it there while a couple of the crew made fast work welding it in place. They’re motivated, especially after you saved them.”

He flopped down on the bed, and Shepard stared at the blank screen in front of her, trying to swallow past the lump in her throat. “I didn’t save everyone.”

Garrus got up and walked up to her, placing his hands gently on her bare shoulders. “Nora…”

“What am I supposed to tell Kal’Reegar? The Fleet? I can’t use the template, Garrus. Tali was so much more to me… to this cause, than to have her death relayed in a fucking email _template_.”

“Write what you feel.”

“I feel…” she gulped, “ _empty_.”

He knew the feeling all too well, but this wasn’t about him. “Tali, Jacob… they knew what signing on for this meant. They gave their lives for something worthy, and we made them _pay_. I know that you’re angry, Nora, but you can’t let this consume you.”

“I guess you know about wanting to avenge the deaths of your squad,” she muttered, shaking her head, “I’m sorry, Garrus."

“For what? It’s still raw: it’s still new. You’re allowed to grieve and to be angry, Nora, but don’t lose yourself to it. I’ve already lost Tali… I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I’d be – _who_ I’d be – without you. You gave me a chance to better myself, to prove to myself that vengeance doesn’t have to define me, and you can’t let it define you either.”

Shepard stared at him, and he couldn’t discern the meaning of the look she was giving him, but he continued, “All I know is that, for every shot that I take against the Reapers, it’s going to be for Tali and for Jacob and all of the colonists. I might not avenge them, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to forget their sacrifice.”

He felt his heart break as he watched the tears begin to pour from Shepard’s eyes. She grinned up at him and then turned back to her terminal and her fingers began to fly across the keyboard.

“Fuck templates,” he heard her sigh under her breath.


	19. A Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for "light" smut

"Garrus?" came Shepard's stifled voice on the other side of the door to the battery, "Can I come in?"

“Of course. You don’t have to ask, you know," he laughed, turning towards the door and away from his calibrations.

“I know,” she muttered, her eyes meeting his as the door slid open. She gave him a sly smile. “Are you busy?”

Garrus closed the distance between them, placing his hands gently on her hips and bringing her into him, enjoying the way her body adapted to the curves of his. He leaned down to bring their mouths together, his heart beating fast at her happy sigh as he pressed his forehead into hers.

"I have to tell you something," she said, her lips softly caressing his. "I've been putting it off for far too long. This is-"

"Stop talking," he said back to her, pressing his lips into hers again.

She pushed him back. "It's important, Garrus. I-"

He put his finger to her lips and then kissed her fiercely again. "I said stop talking," he growled. 

Her eyes widened and she clamped her mouth shut, gasping as he trailed his tongue down the side of her neck. A contented hum rang in her throat, vibrating slightly, and he felt his body stiffen with desire in response. His hand slid up the back of her shirt, grasping for her bra and undoing it in an instant – who would have known that turian hands were so adept at undoing human bras? – and then he had moved his hands to the front, caressing her breasts softly and slowly.

Shepard moaned softly, a small smile breaking out on her face, and her hands automatically reached for his armour clasps, undoing them skillfully and quickly. Her hands travelled gently down and grasped his partially erect member, her hand moving up and down, and her tongue exploring his mouth gently. She began to kiss around his mouth, and then down his neck, his chest, his…

“Ahhhhh _Nora,_ ” he almost screamed, but her name came out from his clenched teeth in a pleasured hiss of breath. He stood there, enjoying the feel of her tongue as she wrapped it around him carefully, her hands joining in with her mouth and increasing in tempo rapidly.

“Stop!” he demanded, placing both hands on top of her head as she continued to bob in and out. She was on her knees in front of him and looked up at him innocently, but he could see the smirk behind her eyes. He ran a hand through her hair and then cupped her chin, staring at her face and thinking to himself how fucking beautiful she was and how lucky he was to have her, and then he knelt himself beside her, pulling her shirt up and over her head, brushing away the strands of hair that fell into her face.

The metal of the floor of the battery was cool, and he gently dipped her onto her back, his hands exploring her body, hungrily ripping open her pants and tearing off her underwear. He could feel how wet she was, and she let out a soft yelping sound as he slipped his fingers inside of her, moving his mouth from hers to her nipples, sucking on them gently.

Garrus felt her squirm beneath him, her strained moans becoming more frequent, until he could feel her clench around his fingers, and he straddled her, guiding himself into her in one hard thrust.

She screamed his name and grabbed his cowl, pulling him into her and planting greedy kisses all over his mouth. “Fuck!” she yelled, arching her back as he began to thrust deeper into her.

Her hands grasped his back, and he felt her fingernails dig deeply into his tough skin, enjoying the oddly pleasurable painful sensation that rang throughout his body. He could hardly contain himself now, and he pushed himself into her fast and hard, their bodies moving together as if they were made to; she pushing and rolling her hips into him, and he driving himself down into her, his entire being shaking and vibrating with the innate sense of _pleasure_ and happiness that had every nerve feeling as if it were on fire.

He felt her come around him, her fingernails scraping across his back, and he released himself, burying his face into her hair and neck, smelling the familiar shampoo and perfume scent mixed with her pheromones that almost sent him back into fits of desire.

They laid there, him still draped over top of her and inside of her, breathing heavily and happily, until he felt her breathing start to become laboured under the weight of his body. He couldn’t imagine any moment more perfect, and the feeling only intensified as his blue eyes met her brilliant green. The red glow underneath seemed dull compared to the way the green overpowered it, and he wanted to finally tell her that he loved her, too. He had put it off for too long.

But he could put it off for a little longer.

Garrus rolled over and propped his head up, using his other hand to trace circles on her bare chest. "Now, what was so important that you had to tell me?"

The smile fell off of Shepard's face immediately and he felt his gut twist into knots, knowing that she was about to tell him something that he didn't want to hear. For a minute he considered telling her that whatever she had to tell him wasn't worth popping this blissful bubble that was currently surrounding them, but if it was important enough for her to bring up then he had to know what it was. 

"Shepard?"

She looked up at him through her lashes and set her mouth into a firm line, the air between them suddenly becoming tense and thick.

"I shot Sidonis."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hi guys! Thank you SO much for your comments and kudos! This has been a tough one to write, but I am so glad that you’ve stuck with me through it all :)_
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> _This is where it kind of gets interesting (and hopefully not confusing): I’m doing a kind of “choose your own adventure” from this point forward. So, if you’d like to read a fluffier, lighter story, then head on over to the 2nd part of this series entitled **ACCEPTANCE (CYOA Option #1)**. _
> 
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> _If you’re digging the raw drama that gets a little angsty (and maybe even a little frustrating), then check out the 3rd part of this series entitled **THINGS LEFT UNSAID (CYOA Option #2)**. _
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> _THE NEXT PARTS OF THE SERIES ARE STILL ON THEIR WAY (02.20.2017)._
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> _I hope that this is something kinda new and fun for your reading experience, and I’d love to hear your thoughts if you do happen to read both when they become available!_
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> _So much love and gratitude to you all!_
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> _Love,_  
>  kwrites2222


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